God's in the small stuff

Lydia's sweet little face

2012-01-18T18:05:00.001-05:00

Lydia's sweet little face, a photo by ajoyfulmoc on Flickr.

Painting my kids and sending it all to Flickr. Check it out?

Transformed World

2012-01-13T08:53:00.001-05:00

"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event." unknown

“I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow to keep an appointment with a beech-tree, or a yellow birch, or an old acquaintance among the pines.” Henry David Thoreau

“There is nothing in the world more beautiful than the forest clothed to its very hollows in snow. It is the still ecstasy of nature, wherein every spray, every blade of grass, every spire of reed, every intricacy of twig, is clad with radiance.” William Sharp

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.” John Ruskin

Small

2012-01-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

Who am I?
Sometimes I feel so small.
So afraid; timid.

So inept. I can't say the words right. I didn't listen well.
I forget his schedule all the time.
"So, tomorrow you work in the afternoon?"
"No. In the morning. I told you. Remember?"

His language is affection.
I am so touched out, wrung out, spread out.
My mind is multi tasking about groceries and what we need,
about people to pray for, wondering where money will come in,the mess before me,piles of laundry that glare at me.

How can I have any left? How can I speak in his language when I barely know it anymore.
I used to know it.
How can I change this?
I am so small. So full of habits of my own making.

So consumed with many children, and school books and making large meals, and finding shoes for this one, and mending socks for that one, and prayers stuck in between like the stuff that holds the bricks together...

Prayers are stuck in everywhere. Small ones that seem insignificant.
Not wonderful.
Blog posts that try to help me understand myself, and that try to help me figure out my heart.
I am just meant to be small and stay hidden.
My life is worthy, but not one that will be well known.
I am a quiet soul, but my thoughts race around loudly and wildly in my head;
and they have to be sorted out on pages or with one wonderful friend.
Journal pages, blog pages. One on one friendships.

Who am I?
I was called a loner once. Along with other very mean words. By a friend who I shared my heart with.
Not so long ago, I was called many things by her; my friend.
All kinds of hateful words came out, and I reeled and stayed down for a long count.
Words are big to me. Good or bad, they cling and hang like banners before me.
Some accusing and some lifting.
People do that to people. Words are life giving or life taking.
I must make myself look away. Why do these kind of negative things loom so loudly, and the sweet lovely ones shrink and cower? Why do I believe in the ugly things I hear, and not the good?

Who am I?
There are all the children, you know. Many children. I am so blessed and so rich.
But I am so completely consumed by my calling.
Can you understand how I lack with them?
Can you forgive me when I lack with you?

What kind of wife am I?
My husband is the one who needs more of me.
Only he knows how to love someone like me so wonderfully. He stoops down to love and lift me.
He continues. He always loves. He is blind to my faults. He told me on my birthday--
"I would die for you. That's how much I love you."
I didn't say anything. I looked away. I had a conversation in my mind.
"Take it, Pam. Believe it. Receive it."
But I didn't say--couldn't say anything to him.
To him who so generously blessed me, small undeserving me.
But I won't forget.
I can't forget receiving such loyal and wonderful words when I know I haven't done my share.
When I know I haven't loved him back as sweetly as he has loved me.
When he said those words, I saw Jesus before me speaking them.
They got through, Tom. They got in and I haven't been able to tell you yet.

I am small and needy. Inept and unable to do that which I should do.
But I am loved by the most important people.
The love got through.

Girl at mirror by Norman Rockwell

Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for showing me who I am and whose I am.
For showing me that I am loved.
For patiently waiting for me to accept them. For not giving up.

How cute is that?

2012-01-05T23:10:00.000-05:00

A Good Word

2011-12-30T20:47:00.001-05:00

I was chatting with my friend, Aimee a little about words. You know, having a word at the start of each new year to really take to heart. Last year I remember her word was 'Invest'. That was a great one. How can you go wrong with it? I know it made a great impact on her family as she kept it fresh in her mind.

Mine was a bit less exciting, but needful. And I have to confess that it changed a few times. I do like change. So I began January 2011 with 'listen'. I had such high hopes for that.
Yet...
I found it is possibly not a good thing to choose a word that requires hard work. There are many souls in my home. I do listen to them while they narrate their schooling, when they ask for things, when they have troubles, and when they tell about what's on their minds. A lot. Maybe not as well as I should; surely not as well as my husband listens to me...

Surely not as well as God listens to even my unspoken wants, needs and prayers. But I did feel I was constantly falling short, and it heaped some guilt on me to fail in my expectations again and again. So that word was traded off for a different one. My next word became 'relax'. If you know me you would see how needful this is. I am a Martha. Enough said, right? I have to work to relax.
And so I did, and it was a pretty good word.

Yet, before the end of the year, God gave me a promise and a gift; and my word was changed by Him. It was something I could not do for myself. I was at his mercy, and one of his many miracles of blessing in my life. What a precious gem he gave me in 'contentment'. Everyone needs this word!! I think I shall keep it always, and never stop thanking God for it and for what it does in a heart. It is light and easy and with it I find rest for my soul. Therefore, I shall forever think of 2011 as my year of contentment.

So now a new year approaches; so I have been thinking, thinking, just like Pooh, about a new word. Oh, I'll keep the old ones. We get to do that, you know. That's cool, isn't it?

And as I think, I see on my twitter updates that others are doing the same. I think it's nice. Ya know, long lists of resolutions can be overwhelming, and even small lists can be, as I mentioned above, some even small resolutions can be kind of weighty. Especially when we try to 'go against our grain' or do it in our own strength. Who wants to have a heavy word when there are such wonderful light and hopeful ones available?

So, here are my ever rambling thoughts which will eventually take you to my new word..I hope. Bear with me, or just scroll down if your word does not happen to be 'patience'! lol!

Light and hopeful. Light and hopeful...I think God gave me this one.
It is wonderful and light, and I don't have to do anything personally! How great is that!! God does it all, and I just sit back and notice, yet it is still MY word! Doesn't that sound good?

Drum roll please.....

so my new word is

'anticipate'.

'To expect, look forward to, be sure of."

Yes, that's it.

That's what I want to be doing.

Anticipating Him and what He will do.

Now marvel is equally lovely, but it implicates 'great surprise or astonishment' and I am not surprised by the miracles God does anymore. And behold is awesome, but it speaks of perceiving a thing with your senses, or comprehending. And though that is pretty good, it is not a real commonplace word; nor do I always 'comprehend' the marvelous things God does.

But I can anticipate that He will do a thing.

It is a restful word where I am simply to be captivated by anything and everything God chooses to do. And I've seen God do some pretty awesome things lately. Things I thought He could never do.

Anticipate...what he will do in a situation, resting, trusting him.
Anticipate...how he will work something out, and if not, how he will help me be ok with it.
Anticipate...what this year will bring as I walk alongside Him. As I run after him.
Anticipate...like the wonder and excitement a child has at Christmas. Or like what we experienced in Advent as we looked for him each day. And like a brand new baby in Christ embraces life anew, knowing He will do something awesome each day.

So with many way too many words I give you my word.
Anticipate.
What about you? Do you have a word, my friend?

Five Teenagers in the House

2011-12-27T11:43:00.002-05:00

Well, as of today we officially have five teens in this house.
(It is Micah's birthday and he is 13 today!)

It is wonderful. So much good company, many funny conversations, lots of game playing, so many changes. And they double as young prophets which keep this mom and dad in line. Funny how that works. Maybe God gives us teenagers to help US grow up? Ya think?

So now, as most moms do, I will take us back in the archives of my earlier life with these teens...to their younger days. Care to go there with me? It is good to get the 'first part of the story' when you are being told the 'second part', yes?

My labor with Micah began 2 days after Christmas of '98. We were unwinding from all the Christmas goings on, and lounging about on the couch upstairs watching a movie. Soon it would be the kids bedtime, and I had a hunch that tonight was the night we had been waiting for. Earlier I had some contractions in the Dollar Store. When a mom has her babies at home, she always appreciates it when the kids are all in bed when it all kicks in. And that is exactly how God arranged it nearly every time!

So, let's see. At that time we had children who were 13, 12, 8, 5, 3, 2, and 1. All were boys except the second and baby. We were up for whatever God choose. Clothes for boy or girl, birth room set up, and ready to go! We had three cribs in use. I remember my life consisting of changing diapers, reading books aloud, searching for missing socks, and getting kids dressed, fed, and schooled. It was a wonderful sort of busy, and there was always a baby or two on our laps.

Micah is the baby here

Kids off to bed and labor commenced at 37 weeks and 2 days; not unusual for me. At 4 AM baby's head was out, and he turned it toward his daddy and opened his very large eyes. It was awesome because the water sac was still intact, so he looked like an upside-down astronaut! He was birthed into daddy's arms, our fifth homebirth with dad delivering. Seven pounds even. What a wonderful after Christmas gift. Awesome!

Today we have teens replacing those babes. Now our 'babies' are 26, 25, and 21 (moved out and on their own); and 18, 16, 15, 14 and 13--plus the added bonuses of more blessings after Micah: ages 11, 10, 8, 5, and 3. Who would guess that our 8th child would be one of the middle kids! Too funny.

Life is definitely different. Like, no one takes naps but Tom and I and David now. And they are mostly taller than us. And they eat lots more food, and do lots more things. And they have their devices, ya know. I-pads, pods, mp3's, kindles, laptops, wii...teen stuff. I won't be outdone, so I call my cheapie Tracfone an I-Trac. Lol! We still read together, and hang out together. Our life still consists of searching for missing 'stuff', and making sure they are dressed, fed, and properly schooled. But it is a different kind of life than it was. I loved Book One. But Book Two is awesome too. And I hope to live through another book, Lord willing.

So that is my story of having 5 little babes who grew and became teens, and all their other siblings as well. They grow overnight, you know. And it is all good. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Micah in the orange

And Happy Birthday, Micah. You are very loved.

Blessed!

2011-12-25T19:59:00.001-05:00

Stories behind each of these pictures, but I'm too busy having fun to tell! Enjoy.

A Flow of Ceaseless Praise...

2011-12-19T18:55:00.003-05:00

For brothers; close

and sisters; dear

For angels; high

and angels near.

For good and wholesome food to eat,

For nice warm socks on all these feet.

For warmth in wintry land

For sleep

For wondrous growth of boy to man

For promises You keep.

For all You are and all you do

Oh God, we give all praise to You.

Posting at the other blog.

2011-12-12T11:56:00.003-05:00

I'd be honored by your visit there.

Captivated by Christ

2011-12-06T12:12:00.005-05:00

"A Christian worker has to learn how to be
God's noble man or woman amid a crowd of ignoble things."

Oswald Chambers

I had a long chat with God about this very thing. He has changed me so much. Of course, knowing Him would have to change a person. How can it not happen? If I asked you "How has Christ made a difference in your life? What has changed?" You would surely come up with an extended list of answers.

But .......
What hasn't changed?
What hasn't come under the transforming power of Christ? What have you kept to yourself?

And another thing.
That thing you have kept to yourself--
Is it beautiful?
Is it blessing others?
Is it pointing others to Christ?
Or might it be a crutch, a hindrance, or a stumbling block to others?

And now I must bow my head in remorse. For my flesh is still strong in many areas. There are those 'same ole, same ole habits' that crop up. Places I run to...past the One that I could have found the hope and comfort, and strength that I needed. In so many ways I find that I have not reacted as 'that noble woman' would have to the 'ignoble things' around her.

And now I lay my heart out on this blank page,
in hopes that someone might find even one glimmer of light; one morsel of sustenance--
that, by God's mercy, will help them rekindle their heart toward the things of Christ.

I am intimately aware of the areas that I have not fully and completely given over to God. I know them as old familiar friends; yet they are not good friends. I know them because they are nasty weeds that keep growing back up in my heart...even after I beg God to pluck them out, and He does, and I find peace and joy from being forgiven of them. And I realize that something doesn't grow that well unless it is watered and tended to, does it?

(artist unknown...sorry)

My ugly weeds:

when I fear man over God
when my thoughts become consumed by things other than Jesus
when I forget that I am a new creature, and that the old must pass away
when I focus on tasks rather than my loved ones
when I forget to look people in the eye and give them my whole attention
when I long for 'what was' and thus lose today's blessings
when I can't seem to embrace forgiveness and joy
when I fail to love people as Christ would
when I attempt to do life without clinging to Him and His Word

Would you pray for me?
Could you pray that I stop tending to such weeds and go about the business of following Christ?

Because if knowing Jesus has made such
an amazing difference in my life---

and I am such a different person than I used to be;
then I need to start acting like it.

"Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers,

and are famous preservers of good looks."

~ Charles Dickens

Photo Booth!

2011-11-28T11:02:00.003-05:00

I sure don't know where these kiddos get their sense of humor! Lol!

Life as Pam: words and blessings and the one who blesses...

2011-11-25T17:00:00.005-05:00

This blog began because I have always been a writer.
All through my days of youth, I typed up poetry and all kinds of mixed up words on a red manual type writer that, I think my dad found for me at some thrift store. How I loved that wonderful word machine as a teen. I had it propped right up to my bedroom window and I sat there and typed my heart away. As I looked out at the sunset, at the birds, or just at nothing in particular I clicked those keys. Sweet inspiration flowed out miraculously fast down and out of my fingers onto each white page. So much did it flow, that I put all these thoughts and poems into a large album. It was the only way I could say things, ya know? You remember being a teenager, right? Feelings are overwhelming you, but words are hard to get out. This helped. Thanks dad.

I'm not completely sure, but I think when I left home at that tender age of 17; my dad with his broken heart probably tossed my book of writing and all my other treasures into a large trash bin. Maybe that is where my awesome rock collection and my flute went too. I suppose it was my fault for not taking it with me. Truth is, when we choose to be a grown up, the things of youth at some point get put away. And when a dad's heart is hurting from seeing his daughter's room suddenly empty, I suppose he takes it all on with one fell swoop into the trash bin so he can start new. So he can heal. So he can continue on. But that is another story for another day.

I have to write, because I am constantly thinking about so many things. I suppose it is my hobby. I am always lost in my thoughts, even when I am very busy. Is everyone like that? I can't say.

I have written in journals for simply ages. I have many of them stuffed in boxes and cubby spaces packed in my room. Boxes and journals of words. Funny, isn't it? One day when I am gone, maybe someone will skim some of it and find me there. Or maybe someone with a broken heart will toss it so things can start new and healing can commence. Either way, I suppose I won't care. I will be in my socks running and sliding down those streets of gold. I will be having heart to heart chats with Jesus. My words will be to the one who made me. He will fully understand; fully sympathize, fully get me. So I will be fine with whatever. Do what you like, my loved ones. I love you. Remember that.

So I started this blog.
I see I am writing the 267th post more or less. And I named it Life as Pam. Not that I love that plain old name. But it's mine. I named it that because when a person writes, they should write about something they know about, right? Well, I know about 'life as Pam' more than most people. My perspective of that life, that is. It may not always be accurate, for my view is just 'my view'. It may be skewed a bit.

And though my life is small, it is valuable.

Meg Ryan said those words, playing Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail. I watched that movie some 20 odd times. I can't tell you why I like it. Maybe because it's about a completely different world--namely New York. Or because I like her. Or because she plays a bookstore owner, or because it's just a good chic flick. Or possibly, because it has a happy ending and I am so all about happy endings.

So at some point, I began to feel a little guilty writing about ME. It seemed a bit selfish. I knew that life was really not about me, but about Him. About my awesome Savior. About God.

But I am just one very small person in this big old world. And God is so big.
I live in a hick town consisting of one Wesco, one hardware store, a bar, and a part time post office that will probably soon close. Oh, and there are a few churches too. Ours included.

But God...
He lives in and through anyone who dares to ask Him, and then He turns that life upside down. Some people are not ready for that. Most of my extended family is not ready for that. Maybe they just haven't tasted of the miry pits, like I have. Or maybe they are content to direct their own life. But not me. I tried directing it and it was a MESS.

So that day that I sat in front of my t.v., a 21 year old with a tore up heart, I listened intently to Tammy Baker telling me about peace and joy. And I was all about that. But it wasn't her, really. It was Jesus speaking to me through her. It was the hope she spoke of that I hungered for. And right then and there, I got on my knees and asked Jesus to save this poor soul and be my Lord and Saviour. To somehow change my life, and change me, and give me peace and joy.

And He did! It is still hard to believe to this day.
And then He proceeded to turn my life upside down. And He keeps turning things upside down. But that's another great story; and the best one I have, too. A life changer. It will never make the New York Times bestseller, or even be published; but I cherish it above any other story ever written. To think that God could look down at me. That He could hear me, love me. Wretched small me. That, my friends, is an amazing miracle.

My world consists of a nice little, though obscure country place with several ponds, woods, and a sidewalk that people take walks on. Mostly couples. Mostly older ones. My man and I walk that sidewalk all around the blocks of this podunk town nearly every day. It is simply wonderful. I grab his bent arm at the crook, and press against him, and we walk through every season. It is 35 blissful minutes of just us; and our uninterrupted words. Such outings are very important in a large family. Well, in any family the marriage union is something to invest in continuously. Our marriage; yet another story; a love story that I will save for another time. My second favorite story ever. Just sayin....

In my small world we have climbing trees and rock gardens and a long trail into the woods to walk down. It is an old house. A hundred years old, I think. So, there's stuff to fix. Let's say, it has it's bumps and scrapes.There is nothing 'stand out lovely' about this house from the outside. Oh, the landscape is pretty. Yet it's what's inside that contains all precious treasures. Children. And many of them. We bump into each other and are familiar with each other's virtues and faults. Intimately familiar.

Contrast my small existence to God's large and omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent one. My small world to His; where there are mansions of glory and walls of precious stones, and trees bearing fruit. And there are no tears and no sorrow. Nothing to fix up. No bumps or scrapes. It is too awesome for words. Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor can it enter into the heart of man the things that God has prepared for them that love Him. My small life to His...well there you have it. God's in the small stuff. So the blog got a new name. But between us, it's still about Life as Pam.

He is intimately acquainted with our small stuff. He delights in it.
He knows and loves our 'small thoughts' and 'insignificant ponderings'.

And we should delight in the small stuff too. We should take in those little things and stand in awe. Count blessings. Give thanks for everything. All the time. But we can't stop there.
I mean we need to do that, for even hard things; even small insignificant things. This is one of those things that he has turned upside down, is it not? Praising him for the hard things?

Because we have learned that in seeking out and counting blessings we are making a choice that brings joy and forgiveness and life. It is a necessary; and transforming act. It changes perspectives. It heals hearts.

But what if in the blessing counting I begin to forget the One who gives?
I mean, not intentionally, but what if? What if He gets lost in the shuffle? Ya know? What if , surrounded by and taken up in so many small things I lose site of
...well, HIM?

I need to be careful. He is the one worthy of my honor and constant praise. He is the one that trades ashes to beauty, mourning to joy, and exchanges heaviness to songs of praise. My life as Pam is valuable because He sees it that way. He is interested in my world and in my words. And I am all about His words. And all about Him. I won't forget what you have done; Jesus.

I won't forget You. Turn my world upside down, Lord. Do whatever you like with it. I am yours.

Anticipating Christ's Birth

2011-11-23T19:09:00.001-05:00

Today we mulled over an old box of Christmas cards and prepared an advent calendar.

I suppose everyone does this their own special way, which makes it pretty handy.

We just used whatever we had 'in our hands' so to speak.

We girls cut circles out while the boys were out cutting more important stuff...

wood that is.

Adding a font I am partial to; namely Curlz Md on my Word processor,

I copied it onto some colored stock paper.

But you can certainly do it any old way.

It was a good day. Not crazy. Just relaxing.

My wonderful husband donated the length of conduit. It was under $2.

A dowel rod was just too short for our wall.

And we already had the curtain hooks with clips and the shelf above with a handy bracket.

But like I said, it can be done just any old way.

This year advent begins this Sunday, the 27th of November.

And that's where our numbers start.

Are you ready?

Anything that can help us anticipate the birth of Christ is awesome.

Each day's circle turns over to reveal a Scripture reference to Jesus' coming.

And then they also have either a simple family idea, a challenge, or a sharing suggestion.

My hurried writing leaves a lot to be desired.

For there are pies to bake, and dishes to prepare today.

And for all of it we are truly thankful.

Care to share ways that you anticipate Jesus this time of the year?

The Ordinary Extraordinary

2011-11-12T15:47:00.000-05:00

Or..Playing with sun and shadow.
Or...more small stuff that God is in.
Take your pick.

The Source

2011-11-07T09:18:00.001-05:00

"The water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water."

John 4:14

The picture our Lord gives is not that of a channel but a fountain.

"Be being filled, "

and the sweetness of vital relationship to Jesus will flow out of the saint as lavishly as it is imparted to him. If you find your life is not flowing out as it should, you are to blame; something has obstructed the flow. Keep right at the Source, and --you will be blessed personally?
No, out of you will flow rivers of living water, irrepressible life.

As surely as we receive from Him, He will pour out through us, and in the measure He is not pouring out, there is a defect in our relationship to Him. Is there anything between you and Jesus Christ? Is there anything that hinders your belief in Him? If not, Jesus says, out of you will flow rivers of living water.

Who am I?

In the history of God's work you will nearly always find that it has started from the obscure, the unknown, the ignored, but the steadfastly true to Jesus Christ.

from Springs of Benignity

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers

*Above image is the Angel of the Waters Bethesda Fountain in Central Park, NYC

I can relate lately to these hard but true words. I am lacking, and there is one way to change that. It is to run to the source and let God fill me. He wants to fill me, He wants to meet all the needs, to transform, to re-focus my plans and my purpose.

Lord, I miss you. I thirst for you, long for your help and love.
Lord, I come.

A Boy's Tale

2011-10-29T10:07:00.001-04:00

Honest. All I did is send the boys out to trim some branches.

And ya know, watching them figure out how to do it was like watching

Curly, Larry, Moe, and...er little Joe!

And meanwhile,

the younger two had to have their fun, too.

Those ropes laying there.

Give a boy a rope, and wondrous feats begin!

Can we lasso the tree branch?

When they went looking for something heavy to put on one end,

so it would hook over ...

I admit to cringing a bit when they started looking over some real big rocks!

Ok, I confess to knocking on the window and pointing to the wood piece.

Much safer.Be still my heart.

They hide from the approaching enemy.

Well if it isn't Paul Bunyan himself!

Oh my. Boys will certainly be boys.

They were all hopped up with energy!

I have no clue what they were doing here, but older brother has that scolding stance!

Finally. The limb is hooked. One proud man.

And with some boys, play is always a part of work.

Don't lose your sense of play, moms. Life gets real boring that way.

I suppose the branch could have broken off and landed on him.

But sometimes moms need to just be quiet and let their sons figure those things out for themselves!

Physics. That's what we'll call it.

I'm wondering if the van has gas to make it to the emergency room.

You can't see it, but he has a hand saw and is standing on a ladder
that's on a picnic table.

One of the higher rungs.

Brother down below.

I suppose he's there to steady things, but this is what he's actually doing...

Twanging!
Oh my.
Just too funny, folks!

Quite nonchalant, considering that this happens next...

So I guess THAT song is over.

Now I'm a cowboy and you, sir fence post, are my calf.

And now I'm a ~~typical homeschool kid~~ er...Indian boy and you are my captive.

The musician commences to chop the thing that nearly landed on him.

That's what a boy does. He takes dominion over every living thing.

And the captor commences to bring his prisoner to the stocks.

But the prisoner seems to be enjoying himself.

Got boys?

Give 'em a rope and a job to do outside.

Then watch 'em! Who needs a t.v. anyway?

Do You See It?

2011-10-15T13:36:00.001-04:00

I went on a walk on our property today. At first alone.

But then I invited my Lord to walk with me.

There is so much I would have missed without Him along.

I look over at this young tree (below) with just a few leaves left.

That's all I see. But a quiet voice in my head asks

"Do you see it?"

And at once I see it all differently.

It is the lonely one. The different one. The lost one.

The one that hangs on to Him longest, and holds Him the most dear.

I find a sandy patch and snap a picture of it.

He says "Do you see it?"

I see where deer have walked. Where they have paused and nibbled when no one looked.

When I was busy. I miss things, lovely things in my busyness.

I snap a picture of the leaves. What do I see? Colorful leaves on the ground.

"Do you see it?" He asks.

"So many trees represented here. So unique. Each one fashioned by Me.

I know when each one fell. Where it spent it's life.

These are not a mass of leaves. These are unique and individual, hand made.

One is not lost in the crowd. My eye is on it. My eye is on you."

It is a stump.

Not so pretty, God.

"Can you see past the outward appearance, Pam?

Do you see it?"

Yes. I see that it was once a mighty oak.
It's leaves once reached toward the sky, as if praising You. It was protector to all that lived below it for who knows---a hundred years?
Sure, now it's rather old, tired, sick. It fell. It looks now so broken and messy.

I am often broken and messy, Lord.

But you say "a broken and contrite heart, you will not despise."

I see a path and many trees. God, tell me what do you see?

"I see a narrow path, and light at the end. I see a protected path, and a less traveled one. I see a quiet place of prayer and contemplation. A repose. I see a place where you and I can walk in fellowship."

The pine needles and oak leaves are dull and not beautiful.

"Do you see it?" He quietly whispers.

One holds water. One catches the rain and embraces it.

I want you to catch the living water when I send it. Maybe others will miss it.

In that case, you will have something to nourish them with.

What do you see, Lord? This tree is lifeless.

"Don't you see it?

This tree is the mulberry where your children climb and sing and get all purple through the summer. This tree is full of fruit then, and gives of it's fruit, freely. What fun it is in warm weather!

It brings so much joy to your children.

And even that which gives life and bears fruit and gives joy has seasons that appear lifeless.

But it is not so. I am always doing a work. Remember that, Pam."

I see our sugar maple. It is tall and wide and lovely.

"Do you see anything else?

"Do you see the large shadow it casts? The power it holds?

As with you. You are a powerful influence in your home. They watch what you do, often more than what you say. One life will greatly influence others."

Ya know, I see the Hollyhocks that I planted that never really took. No flowers.

They didn't even get very tall.

What do you see, Lord?

"I am glad you asked.

I see hope. Hope is the buoyancy that holds a person up.

In harsh and disappointing conditions, I hide a bit of hope. I always do that.

One has to get their eyes off the conditions and seek out that hidden hope.
There, do you see it now?" (below)

A small little promise of what is to come. Focus on that.

There is always a glimpse of hope hidden in your situation. I set it there for you to find.

Because I love you."

I see a pretty marigold that has bloomed past it's season. Lovely.

"But, do you see anything else?"

Oh, yes. At the side there. That dead flower.

Is there more?

"There is a time of beauty and a season of full life when we are at our best.

Then, we enter a season where we feel like the beauty has left and that life is not at it's best.

But I am with you in all seasons.

And both places can be equally rich. Though the outward wastes away, the inward spirit of a person grows in My likeness and in depth of character, grace and love; if they will let that happen.

Can you believe that?"

I see it, God. It is not just two trees bound together. It is a representation of a husband and wife, bent and formed together through struggles and joys. It is a covenant marriage. It is getting closer when hard things make you want to do the opposite.

This is a stubborn, unripe, prickly pod. All the rest have soaked in sunshine and warmth.
All the rest have broke open and let out their treasure, trusting the results.
But this one remains tightly closed.

Hmmm. Sometimes I do that. I avoid the warmth of the Son.

I keep things in. I put walls up. I am a prickly pod!

How the sun shines on the maple seed pods preparing to branch off of the mother tree. Their journey will not be random and scattered; but directed and guided by God.

That sometimes we feel trapped in a situation. We are pressed, stifled, alone.

Maybe it's a trap of our own making. Maybe it's a valley that God has allowed.

But time is part of our growth. Waiting is a crucial element.

And with patience, beauty will forge it's way out of the lonely valley we were in.

And we shall fly.

"When the son sets us free, we will be free indeed."

I want to keep my eyes open.

And walk hand in hand with Christ.

And always keep asking...
*

"What do you see, Lord?"

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Livingroom Makeover: That Cabin Atmosphere!

2011-10-12T20:18:00.002-04:00

So here's the plan. Bring one living room wall in 10 inches to make two big window box seats.

Yes. This is how it looked for weeks!

You see here how we got used to it!

Tom and his friend put the wallboard on to that wall. Boxed the window seats with pine.

This is the big picture. Here you can see the framed boxes and rough walls.

So now we learn how to work with knotty pine tongue and groove. Learn!

Different kids joined in, but mainly it was Tom with me helping. It was so fun to work on a project together. (And it was in the 'budget'!)

It took two days to do this wall, as we had to maneuver around outlets and such. (Tom is taking a nail out of his mouth to talk to Seth!)

What a great job my husband did! I am impressed!

Close view of big window. We will polyurethane and trim, and then I will cover a thick foam pad with pretty (but stain resistant) fabric to sit securely in the window boxes.

This is the window on the left, a bit smaller. They can fit in this one as well. I am thinking a Christmas tree will look real pretty against this wall, and we can sit all cozied up to the woodstove in there!

But first, at least one more wall and some finishing up. The other walls will likely wait til spring.

What do ya think? Any ideas?

Just say NO

2011-10-09T19:43:00.004-04:00

I realize this sounds like a horrible post! So NOT politically correct. But hear me out. Because I know we all prefer to read those wonderfully lovely posts that are entitled "Just Say YES!". Well, I sure enjoy reading them. And when we read them, we feel like good moms, and everyone has happy feelings because their kids are happy, and so mom and dad are happy....yada, yada, yada!

But. Before you severely judge me, I ask you again to hear me out. Actually, hear what I have been hearing all week, and then hear me out: (all actual comments)

"Can I have another Flavor Ice?"
"Can we watch a movie?"
"Can we make cookies?"
"But we wanted to go to the ice cream social at church!"
"Can we stay up tonite?"
"Can I earn more computer time?"
"Can we go on a bike ride?"
"Can we have some cereal?"
"Can we get a puppy?"
"Can I use his toy?"
"Can I go with you to the dentist?"
"Can I have my Wii time even though I didn't get up in time?"
"Can I sleep in her room tonite?"
"Can I sleep in your room tonight?"
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"
"Can I get a motorcycle?"
"Can I go to ________'s house?"
"Can we go to the park?"
"Can we go to the pond?"

Now, to get the true sense of this, you have to multiply it by 10.
Then you have to re-play over and over throughout the week.
Then you have to realize that I often say YES. Really. I am pretty sure I say it too much.
See the problem?
They know I say yes. They're all over this mom. I'm outnumbered! Oops.

And another important thing...
I am in recovery mode. Though I am not walking around upset, I am still not up to par. My iron is low. My blood pressure is low, and I am healing. I need to slow down.
I get winded just from walking up the stairs! (A bike ride is out, girls!) This takes time.

I will not feel guilty. I will know that even God says NO. Sometimes quite often. And He doesn't feel the need to explain Himself. And He is still good. And we learn so much from it. Maybe more than we do with the YES answer. Ya think?

I will keep in mind that regardless of the things they think they need,
my children ACTUALLY NEED:
1. good food (healthy, not sugar)
2.help finding something to do (like a list of work, not amusements)
3. to hear a few good firm 'no' answers. (cuz moms and dads rule/ and to appreciate the YES!))
4. to have their desires curbed from time to time. (yes, we do find out a lot about our children when we watch how they handle being told NO. (Just try it. See if that child is really compliant like you think!
5. to be reminded that it's about Him, and not them. (And about serving.)

So NO is the new YES around here for awhile.
So don't ask me for a puppy, or a flavor ice, or to go to Sunday night church (I may suspect that you aren't wanting to go for the missions update, but because it's an ice cream social! I'm onto you! ).
And I can't do much extra now...besides feeding, schooling and praying this big ole family!

But I love helping you. And I don't want to say NO. I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And I know I may APPEAR to resemble super mom at times.
I may even think I am SUPERMOM.
But I am not. And though I CAN do it,
it doesn't mean that I SHOULD do it.

Not happening.
But I still love you, and I am fine. Quite at peace. And I know you will learn much from the NO. Because I am finding that I can certainly embrace His 'NO'.
It has brought me to contentment.

Stuck in the Small Stuff

2011-10-05T19:11:00.002-04:00

So how are you doing? Yup, I'm good too.Doing fine! Thanks.
But not. Not really.

See, what I intended to do is to write this post encouraging you all toward the gaining of that wonderful, light, blessed gift of contentment. After all, I went through a few kinda big things lately; and surprisingly, I walked through them holding God's hand and feeling His unexplainable peace and joy. And that wouldn't be the typical way I would have reacted. It was a lovely God thing. It was awesome. And I so wanted to 'help' you to have it.
But...

Well dear sisters, I can't impart that lovely gift or any such wisdom about it. You see, though I walked on the water, looking into the face of Christ, and keeping my joy without sinking in those BIG THINGS,
I would be counted as a failure as I could not even dog paddle to stay afloat in some recent little things.
The small stuff is what tripped me up, for goodness sake!

I can't believe it. Who would have known that that small stuff would be the ruin of my content?

What I have learned is this: that whenever I start to feel:
disagreeable,
dissatisfied,
disturbed,
needy,
unhappy,
upset,
wanting,
or depressed
that it is probable that I am losing my beloved 'Content'.

And I don't want to do that. I don't want to go there.
I get stuck there.
It is heavy, lonely, upsetting, frustrating, never satisfying for long, draining, irritating, and unattractive place. And even though it begins in my mind, I can't hide it for long. It comes out. In my countenance. If you doubt this, just randomly check your appearance in a mirror or window a few times in the day when you are feeling discontent. See what you see. Well, see what everyone else sees. It isn't so pretty!

So being discontent is a 'heart thing' that just kind of belches out. Vomits out. I would say it overflows out...but I tend to reserve that quaint term for lovely things that bless people. This one is not one of those lovely things. And this unattractive thing becomes a habit if we let it.

There is no 'patch' for it. No meetings.

"Hi, I'm Pam and I am a discontent."

There is no medicine or any easy fix for this one.
And it creeps up when I least expect it. And in the most ridiculously dumb things. Well, dumb to everyone else, but big to me.

And it grows.
Really fast.
And multiplies (in my mind).
And it only one person that I know of can pluck it out.

So what to do?
It seems that there needs to be a intentional and continuous 'tweaking' to make things right. To catch the problem when it is just a wee little old weed.

Because contentment is defined as:
held, contained within limits; quiet; not disturbed; having a mind at peace; easy; satisfied, so as not to repine, object, or oppose. Webster's 1828 Dictionary (definition of 'contentment').

And I know that in Him I am:
changed, loved, healed, comforted, able, stilled, completed, fulfilled, transformed to His likeness, cleansed, purified, restored, forgiven, strengthened..

But I cannot be that when I am feeling even one of these: disagreeable,dissatisfied,disturbed,needy,unhappy, upset, wanting, or depressed.

The cure:
Ok. So the cure is that I need that constant 'tweaking'. How? I HAVE to get with God. Often. To pour out my heart til it's all drained out. To lay it out (warts and all) at His feet. Then when I am ready to, I need to be quiet and listen. Get into my Word, and keep reading until God's Spirit speaks life to me. Then I need to stop and hold on to those lovely words. Meditate on them. He will restore my content. Guaranteed.

"And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not" (Isaiah 58:11).

I would so love to end here!!! Ok. Thanks for coming. Love you!

**********

But, what if I do give it to God, and feel better...and more peaceful; but then I end up thinking in those negative ways sometimes/often/once in awhile...and I can't get past it?

I know. I do that too. I get my peace all up, and it is wonderful and light and I am changed. But then I am going about my business and BOOM, I see that desire/want/hope/frustrating thing POPS into my mind and I am thinking....ok, so is CONTENT just ignoring everything and smiling? Take this thing ----------for example (just fill in the blank!). Do I keep ignoring this and try not to get mad or do something else, or just relax and turn on a movie and chill out? Or do I bring it up...again? Or do I keep praying...again? Or do I fix it myself, somehow?

(I am totally working on this whole content thing and I do NOT have all the answers!! I would love to hear from you! I would love to get some godly help.)

But one thing I know. That CURE up there. It works. God promises that He can transform a heavy, hurting, angry, or even an undeserving heart. He does it all the time. He is a master of such miracles. He is able. He is powerful. He is ready to give us victory. He does not tire of our cries for help. He teaches and guides the meek. He does not despise that heart that is broken and contrite before Him. He loves us. Deeply. More than we can ever know. He can do this.

If I let Him.

Carly's Heart and a Birthday Boy

2011-09-29T21:09:00.002-04:00

I am grateful that I get to be home with the children. There are great advantages in being with your family day in and day out. Well, we certainly get to know each other's character! The good, bad, and ugly! And this brings me to a chat I had with our Carly-girl today.

Carly is 8. She is sweet and affectionate, and loves all things girl. Like dresses and dolls and long, long hair. Like twirly skirts, and braids and pretty scarfs.And Carly; well she is the one hugging our visitors, or holding the hand of someone to show them the bunny, or missing her big sister in Denver. She prays and she feels deeply.

The problem is that lately I have noticed that she is often unhappy.Discontent. Upset. Disgruntled. Miffed. Feeling wronged.

Being 'keeper of this home', it is within my 'job description' to find out the goings on in this place.

To note the 'not so good' habits and to seek God on how to encourage them to prefer 'Christlike habits'.

I mostly keep pretty busy seeking God on my own 'not so good habits'....

but on occasion I have an opportunity to influence one of the children toward the worthy that we all strive for.

Especially when I can testify to them how God has worked in my life in this area.And oh, He has most definately worked in my life in THIS AREA lately!! Real life lessons come across a little humbler and a bit more sincere, I think, than lectures.

So we sat on my bed and chatted. Her little heart has just been so full of hurt. She was in tears nearly the whole time I talked with her. Things just haven't been going well for her. Her hopes and wishes just have not been granted lately. How heavy is that for a girl of eight? It must be so exhausting for these young ones to hold all this stuff in. Yup. I know about that, too. Cuz it sure was heavy for me, and I am ...well. I am much older.

So we talked, and we prayed, and she cried and I held her and now....We pray, wait, and watch.

Does she get it? Will there be a heart change? Will she listen to God's Spirit? Will she be able to let go of self and say yes to Christ? Will I witness God's hand in her young life?

And I watch because I need to encourage any little buds of good growth.

And I pray because this is beyond me. God must do the work in a heart.

And I wait with hope, because some habits are very destructive.They will torment for a lifetime if they can.

This I know.

It is exciting to be part of anything that God is doing. I count it an honor to witness His hand in such things. Even the 'small stuff'.Cuz the 'small stuff' to one person might be 'big stuff' to someone else.

Turns out I was not the only one in this home struggling with contentment. Sometimes it seems hard to choose and prefer more God's ways vs. our own. I am also not the only one in this home who needs God desperately to transform their heart. She needs Him too. And maybe she won't mind if I accompany her. Walking hand in hand toward Him together seems like a good start.

Dah, duh,daaaah.....drum roll please! Here he is. David Ryan, the birthday boy. And now he is three.

We both look a little goofy here, don't we! lol!

Hey, thanks for listening in on my life. It's nice to share it. Nice to live it.

Broken but not crushed

2011-09-25T08:27:00.000-04:00

I wrote about our Saturday over at my other blog, and it's important.
(But I really don't want to re-write it.)
So for those who don't read my homeschooling blog, or haven't lately...
could you just go over there to 'catch up'?
Thanks and God bless you!

Doll House Tales

2011-09-23T10:28:00.004-04:00

These are the tales of the dollhouse families; the Browns and the Whites.
I tell it as I see it; changing nothing.
And this is what I found going on today.

It appears that the husbands have been having great fellowship.
It's great, and really needed;
you see:

The little ones have been pretty wild lately. They're everywhere, into everything.

Stuff has been breaking in hard to reach places. Maybe the older daughter can fix it.
Well, things were getting pretty rough for mom. So gramma came over.

She seems pretty spry today as she wrangles up the herd in the bedroom.
(Gramma, were you letting them jump on that bed?)
What a great thing to have a little help.

I don't think mom has really been herself lately.

She is enjoying a little break. I hope she feels better soon.

Waiting

2011-09-22T17:22:00.002-04:00

I suppose the old me would call this post 'Not losing hope, just my mind, thanks".
But that's the old me. Just saying.

I suppose everyone has something they have had to wait for. Something that is not quite certain. Something that God won't give a clear answer on when one is hoped for.
Can you relate?

I'm in that boat right now.

Forgive me for withholding details. It is too soon.
Not sure I have many concrete ones to give anyway.

But I do have words that seem to want to get out. I want to talk and try to figure it out. I want to get out of 'limbo' and get on with life.

I looked it up. To be in limbo has Catholic origins.
My particular definition means transitional, a place of uncertainty.
Yes, that is where my boat is floating about. I'm just sitting here! Aimless.
Well, God? Hello? Can you do some clarifying here?

Maybe I'm real impatient. Maybe I just need to be still and know that He is God.
Maybe I am anxious. A clear yes or no is not always possible.
Maybe I am losing my content...but I don't think so.
I am not wishing, just wondering. I am not discouraged, just uncertain.

Somethings are such a mystery.
Some stories cannot be guessed at. You have to read the whole book to figure it out. You are pretty certain of your first guess, and then new information comes up. Your guess changes, and then reverts back. Then you have no clue.
Ever read one of those books?
Ever have one of those experiences?

What I need to remember is that this is one of those God stories.
I know it is my own, but personally and intimately overseen by Him.
I need to keep in mind that I will cherish it because God is writing it. I may have to grow to cherish it, though. (I may hate it at first.)
I may have ended it differently than He may choose to. Or not.
I may have shortened it or lengthened it. Or not.
But...
He is the author and I am not. I need to trust Him when I can't see Him.
It is good to know that He writes with depth of love and wideness of understanding.

So here is my conclusion and I'm gonna stick to it:
I trust the author.
I know the author's heart.
So I will wait. Even better. I will worship while I wait.

Thanks to this page where I can put my words out into the blogosphere.
It helped. And if you also listened; awesome.

Point of Restoration: parallel stories

2011-09-18T16:15:00.003-04:00

I hadn't been on the internet for a whole month and a half you know. * I had gottten back into real life! I had stuck to my promise to get with God vs. the internet. And I was doing good! *Except for a daily email check.

I haven't been anxious or wanting for months you know, Lord. I've been in your Word, taking notes and listening with awe.I was doing good, full of peace and confidence. Full of YOU!

But when I came back it was time to play.I thought it was really necessary that I make up for lost time by tending to that neglected little box.So I messed around. Tried to get the speed up. Removed stuff. Uninstalled stuff. Zapped out pictures. Deleted multiple players. Defragged, disc cleaner upper, purged the junk. I wanted streamline.

But suddenly I began to drift. To allow my thoughts to wander off again. I thought it was really necessary to be prepared for the worst; just in case. So I let my thoughts go to the 'what ifs'. A lot. What if I miscarried? What if I lose the baby? What if the baby has problems? What if I can't do this? What if it's too hard to bear? What if I complain? What will people think?

Unfortunately, I took out some main components. Oops. Now I had no internet, no sound, and worse than that....no recovery options. I really messed things up this time.

So I walked off the road of peace. Is was my own doing. And I began to venture away from that place I loved called 'content'. This was my own choice. And I really began to feel all messed up inside.

I even took out the ability to go to that sweet restore point. No turning back. The kids wouldn't even be able to do their language, typing, or math cds. We wouldn't be paying to fix it. Couldn't even consider a new one. It was over. Lovely.

I repeatedly could not get a heartbeat. I began to expect the worst, inwardly building walls so I would be prepared. Prepared to be content no matter what...which is ok. Suffering silently, but carrying anxiety and letting it's heavy weight take over...which is not ok. In running ahead of myself...I secretly began to fret and in that ; to lose the joy in today. I forgot to praise God in everything, and release it all to Him. Lovely.

But, content person that I long to be, I just decided to let it all go. Really. I know this seems impossible to those who know me. But God is fashioning a 'new me'. (I did pray for God to forgive me for destroying the only computer we have, and I also prayed (half heartedly) (cuz did God really get the new technology???)
that God would do a miracle and make my computer work.) (Like He doesn't have better things to do, right?)

And content person that I long to be, I worked hard to focus on Christ vs. my situation.
No one would suspect the inner thoughts that I had been able to give over. The many victories He gave me. The peace I was able to have, despite the potential disappointments lurking. And I did have much victory, praise God. It was good...

Life went on for a week without the internet. We also took that week off of school. And I tried to figure out what in the world to do. Tried to carry on and stay busy. Lettin go of the hope of a 'computer resurrection'.

So life went on for many weeks 'in contentment training'. New habits being made. Good thoughts being cultivated to counteract the wrong ones. But on the 15th time I tried for a heartbeat, and couldn't get one... and now being 9 weeks; I lost it. You see, as a midwife with a doppler, I've nearly always got the heartbeat at 7 weeks. I cried and let go of hope. For one entire evening I died to the hope of what April could have brought and I prepared my heart for loss. So 'loss' became my focus.

Then to my surprise, my husband, the non-computer man, saved the day. What a hero. He came ome with a solution, in the form of a recovery disc for $19. We ordered it on my son's little Ipod touch. We waited. We got it. We put it in. And behold. All things became new! We had our computer back!And better than ever. It was restored to factory settings! How awesome is that!!

And to my relief, my Jesus saved the day. He is my hero, my help, my comfort, my refuge.He worked in me a restore point of being thankful in all things. Of focusing on Him. On delighting so in His desires, that I had none of my own. And I got my restoration of heart back.

And a still small voice came through, reminding me (the midwife) that with a tilted uterus, the heartbeat is often really hard to get. And to not forsake all hope. And to hold all things lightly. And to rest in Him. No matter what.So I did. and I feel better than ever. I am restored and refocused on my Saviour. How awesome is that??

God's in the small stuff folks. He shows us a better way. We thrive in it. We learn from it. We overcome.
But if we should look back, like Lot's wife; watch out. Sometimes in that glance back, we are sucked in.
He watches as we mess with stuff we shouldn't be messin with. He sees us get ourselves into great big unsolveable pickles.He watches for our reaction when life as we knew it is forever changed...and it was all our fault.We are at His mercy.

Yes, God's in the small stuff.
The little battlefields that went on in your mind. The ones victorious, the ones crushed. Bad habits. Poor choices. When we look around, when we focus on that stirred up water ; that storm going on ...and we get sucked down. He knows when our minds mess with stuff we don't need to be messin with. He sees us get ourselves in great big anxiety filled pickle jars. We are at His mercy.

Then in the quiet and at the bottom of the dung heap, we finally look up.It's the only way to look when you have put yourself at the bottom.We whisper in a faint voice "help!"."If you can. If you hear me, God. Please?"
Then it is for us to be content and let it all go. Accept forgiveness. Move on. Re-focus. Wait. And praise God anyway.

And then in the quiet place at the bottom of myself, I finally looked up.I whispered in a faint voice
"help. If you can. If you hear me, God. Please?" And I begin to praise God through my secret storm. I begin to cherish all the things God had done in the past 9 weeks. So many sweet things. So many good things to focus on. The tape of it all played slowly as He showed me all the blessings in that time.I was overcome with gratitude.

When He sends down his gentle and instant recovery disc, it restores and transforms the mess.He does it for free. No shipping and handling even.All is new. There are new mercies, a new morning. All is cleansed and back to factory mode.

Yes, his mercies are new every morning. Have I gathered today's?Great is his faithfulness. Am I walking by faith or by sight?

The next steps are up to me. Do I fall on my knees and set my eyes on the miracle maker? To declare His praises, and testify of His goodness? Do I major in Him and minor in the rest? Or do I get it all twisted around again and major in the stuff, neglecting the 'stuff maker'?Running right back to my old, messy, wasteful habits? Tucking myself right back all comfy and cozy into the dung heap.

I can embrace the day. I will. I may get a late heartbeat. I may not. That day is not for me to know.
This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

What about you?

Ok, so...

2011-09-13T14:38:00.005-04:00

Babies.
I was thinking that I've been involved in babies for a long time. A very long time.
In my teen years, I babysat.
In my twenties, day care in my home, then having babies.

The first two as a single mom. Yup. At 21 it all began.
I remember at the end of my first pregnancy. Opening up those drawers in the 'baby's room' in that humble trailer. The trailer with a bug infestation problem. My home. I was dirt poor and I suppose not 'good enough' for marriage. My boyfriend was an alcohalic. And abusive in more ways than you can imagine. We ate bologna and bread everyday, I remember. But guess what?
All that didn't matter.

What mattered is the hope I had growing in my heart and in my belly! Every day I would go to that little room, and take out those tiny little outfits. Wow. My baby would fit in these? These are little dolly clothes! Will it be a girl or boy? What will it be like? When can I hold this child? This is so, so awesome!!

I unfolded a yellow onesie, looked over those starched white cloth diapers, ran my fingers across the homemade bumper pads...and dreamed. I had the rocking chair set up and I knew the songs, or portions of them. Nursery rhymes that my mom had sung. I was so ready. I longed for the day. Funny thing, I don't remember being afraid. Just excited. I never worried about problems with baby, or nursing, or birthing. I just couldn't wait to have this baby.

And my labor pains came on the 11th of January. Two days past the due date. My whole world changed that day as I labored for 12 hours in a hospital room; flat on my back, gripping the bars on the bed sides...just me and my mom who traveled to visit. Yes, she flew out from Michigan to Florida and actually stayed in my trailer; slept on the ridiculous couch.
So, the nurses were too busy that day. I think they came in just for a few peeks. It was overwhelming.

I had taken no class, had no understanding of the whole process. It seemed just too embarrassing to go to a birthing class with a girlfriend. I suppose I was so ignorant in many ways, that it never occurred to me to ask for drugs either. Or help. Or anything.

After 10 hours of labor on my aching back, with no food or drink, and another 2 1/2 hours of pushing, my own wet and smushed little son was put into my arms.

I was awestruck. Time froze. As I nestled this little precious body into mine, and looked at every part of this brand new baby I became filled with so much love and purpose. I was infatuated! Awestruck!
Nothing else mattered!!

Yet, how odd. When I glanced out of the window of my hospital ward, which was shared with three other women I couldn't stop wondering....

How in the world could life just go on out there as if nothing happened. People were walking on the streets, buying, selling, talking...as if it was just another ordinary day. People complaining, people watching the tv in my ward. Everything just going on like any other day!!

Yet my whole life had changed that day!!
My physical body had been completely overwhelmed, rang out, purged of all strength. I had gone through the hardest, scariest, longest time of unknowns. I was utterly crushed, alone, exhaused, humbled, and in a way...forsaken. Forsaken by the baby's dad. Left to do this alone. Left to take on this whole thing alone. I didn't know how. And I didn't know God.

And the changes continued. Leaking here, cold compresses there, a different body. A new perspective. A new responsibility...one that was pretty heavy for one such as me. Such a young mom. Such a young girl.

And the child!! It is MY child. Oh my God! He was beautiful and I got to hold him and feed him, and take him home. He had the sweetest face, and the softest hair. His little fingers closed around mine, his little cries were at my mercy. I was his comfort, his world. I couldn't get over it. My whole world changed. I was so utterly blessed. He was so perfectly beautiful.

That first one....and I was smitten forever!

I won't claim to be the best mom in the world. I still don't have all the answers. Not even most of the answers. Even now, 25 years later. 25years of having children, and raising children and watching children leave home. Even 15 pregancies, bringing forth 13 healthy babies later. I still don't know that much...

Oops. Make it 16 pregnancies. We have a suprise on the way. Yes, one on the way. And I'm 47 years old. Imagine that.

And it's been three years, David will be 3 in a few weeks. So we did most certainly think we would never be experiencing this again.

But I have certainly had to grieve over that loss --of that beautiful season of having life in me, and cradling little ones within my arms. I have pondered the end of that season for several years now. I have to say that it took some time, but I finally let it all go in exchange for the light and wonderful gift of complete contentment.
And contentment, folks, is so light. And so easy. It is so worth it.

So it was all good......

Then it happened.

And I want to make this declaration:

No matter how 'normal' or not 'normal' this baby is,
no matter how many days I get to feel it's life within me,
no matter if it lives or if it should die;
no matter how hard it is on me physically,
or how difficult it all may be........

now listen well, because I have put much deep thought into this for the past 8 weeks...

It is an honor, and a tremendous blessing of which I am not worthy.
I am still as excited as I was with the first;
And I am so completely content with whatever God chooses.

And that's the greatest thing.
He has not forsaken me.
And He never will.
I may have felt a bit of crushing in my life, but He has walked and will continue to walk through it with me. He even carries me. It is so awesome.
And nothing else matters than that. Seriously.

Thanks for listening to my heart. I know my words tend to be long, but they are real and from my heart.

Garden Thoughts

2011-09-06T13:31:00.001-04:00

No two gardens are the same. No two days are the same in one garden. ~Hugh Johnson

Many things grow in the garden that were never sown there. ~Thomas Fuller

Why try to explain miracles to your kids when you can just have them plant a garden. ~Robert Brault

I cultivate my garden, and my garden cultivates me. ~Robert Brault

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.
~Dorothy Frances Gurney

Watercolor Children

2011-09-02T11:21:00.004-04:00

Over at my Flickr page. Come visit!

It is my way of capturing moments that will never come again.

My way of focusing on those in my world.

But here's the real artist.

the jar

Lydia has painted and been my patient model since she was three.

She's five now and here are a couple of her recent paintings.

her church shoes

I remember those 'qualifying screening tests' that my eldest son did for Kindergarten. The lady in charge said they were to draw a person and it would be evaluated. She was just looking for the typical six year old circle head, rough body and arms (which usually would sprout from the head), and some type of legs(probably stick like). I've seen all our children do this at a certain age. Pretty normal stuff.

But in church the other day, Lydia drew me a completed girl with arms off the shoulders, and hands, lovely face and hair, detailed dress, shoes and socks, eyelashes... and everything!
Wow, God! I could have missed this.
And wouldn't she just knock the socks of that kindergarten test evaluator!!

I want to be better at seeing the talents that God places within our children.
I want to be a better studier of and inspire-er to my family.
But I have found that there is a trade off in all things in life.
That to pursue the worthy, I will need to let go of the less worthy.
I want to take my calling seriously....

Lord, help me not get side tracked in those things which have no eternal perspective; things which do not turn my heart to You, and to family, and to those you bring into my life. amen

Carly's hummingbird (age 8)

Technology Fast

2011-07-17T21:45:00.001-04:00

My dear wonderful blog friends...
God has put it on my heart pretty strongly to keep my computer turned off for awhile.
I can't tell you how long or short that will be.
Other than checking emails once a day, I will be focusing on the home front.
I have loved spending time with you all.
If you would like to talk sometime, my email is on my profile page.
God bless.

Summer Birthdays with a twist...

2011-07-16T14:34:00.002-04:00

We have a birthday nearly every month, and in some months we have two.

Every once in a while, it is nice to have a new and different request.

Carly turned eight today. She had a special request.

And it was a good one.
She wanted to ride the carousel.

It cost $3 for 3 girls plus one birthday girl to ride the carousel.

That's in the budget. Yay.

We love you so so much Carly Joy.

Thanks for blessing us. We thank God for your life.

Life, and so much of it.

2011-07-11T12:31:00.003-04:00

I guess I've been in labor a few times more than the average she bear. Ya know, I've always loved that double line on the pregnancy tester, the breath catching wonder that I am carrying a baby(!!!), and the first kicks. From the first and down to the last I've loved my pregnancies. And I have a doppler, so double cool! I get to hear that heartbeat from 7 weeks on. Whenever I want. The perks of being a midwife, I suppose.

Now, the first two labors were NOT EXACTLY a joy ride. Picture a single medicaid momma who knows NOTHING about pregnancy or birth. Consider this single GIRL just in her 20's laying down for the whole labor with monitors strapped on, and no one in the room but mom. Now my mom did a great job...well, she was there and she radiated compassion and rubbed my back. But...she had no clue either.
I guess there was a nurse shortage, and no one thought of offering me drugs.
(I'm so glad!)

Fast forward just a bit...I get saved (and that in front of the tv with Tami Baker telling me about joy and peace and how it's available to all; even me...) and on my knees I saw past her into the eyes of Jesus and he rescued me from desperation and lonely depressed days.

Fast forward more, (we can do that, isn't it nice?). I leave my life of sin, drive with two tots through 5 states in a junky Buick stuffed full of kids clothes and toys. No cell phone folks. No GPS. Just lil ole saved me...with complete TRUST and devoted love in my heart for God who wants me to start new.

Blip, blip...I meet a guy the FIRST WEEK I'm home. My mom's suggestion; to work at this retail store, and he works there and we become best friends and triple fast forward....my knight in shining armor marries me..and he adopts the children. Awesome. I am Cinderella.

Backspace. Did I mention I was formerly in an abusive relationship and all the darkness that goes along with that? Well, lets just say, to become cleaned up (inside and out) and then meet such a wonderful guy that could love my children....was beyond my wildest dreams.

So we conceive on the honeymoon! That was fast. I am an apprentice midwife. We have this one and I can declare it to the world without shame; because I am married. The next is born at home into daddy's faith filled arms. And the next, and the next, and the next....times four. (In case you get as confused as I get, we have now just blown through my child bearing of 11 children thus far).

Here is the 'not an option part'. Scripture. When I am in labor, it is most often just me and my man and God. This is enough. He reads the verses when I nod and they are highlighted yellow in my tattered Bible, and God shows up and the peace does pass all understanding, and does guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus. And Tom is close and I am hurting and the pressure rises up high and my belly is so tight and Tom whispers "Jesus is right here. He knows. He understands. He is able." And he prays and we connect our eyes together, as one. The Words of life flow forth. That lovely, sweet, transforming truth flows into the room, into our minds; our hearts. We are consumed by His love. We are so ONE. So IN LOVE. SO CONNECTED.

A bit of time goes by and then a miscarriage takes us off guard, some more time and Lydia Hope is next, born in the hospital because I had fears that overwhelmed me. It was a bad experience...really. God teaches, he ministers. He heals. Then another miscarriage, but not a 'ride to the hospital in the ambulance, passing out, hooked to heart monitors, hemorrhaging kind' this time. Just a do-able home miscarriage without bells or whistles or overly shattered dreams.

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed...
We are not crushed.

Because we are in a different place where dreams are in God's hands and not ours...so the shattering is gentler. The expectations lower. The trust and faith--deeper.

Then we have David. He is born at home..at 10.5 pounder. Gets stuck, yup real stuck. But it's ok and despite my broken tail bone and other physical strain and trauma (I still feel this pain), despite all that I am so grateful and glad that we had him, that he is fine, and that it was at home into daddy's arms like it always was.

So.

Maybe that's it?

I am content.
How? How can I give up all my wishes,hopes and desires? How can I let go without overwhelming grief of this season that has been so FULL OF LIFE? How can I bear stopping something I have become familiar with and embraced for 25 years? Do you realize that this is the first month out of 25 years that I have not purchased diapers for one, two, three,or four children at the same time? And I cried about that.
Because it is an ending. I don't like endings. Well, do you? But I am such a baby. Seriously.

So how can I close the book and walk into the unknown? That book of my husband and I walking in faith, and trusting God, and ministering to each other as such an awesome team? The book of life and more life that God let us live out together. The chapters of hope and figuring out names and wondering about dates, and embracing that newborn, and smelling that sweetest little head of hair, touching those miraculous little feet and hands. And how did I get caught off guard? It's bound to end, right?

But I can do this now, because of Christ within me.
Because I have learned that the heavy weight of longing and hoping and discontentment is too much to bear. It is a lonely, hard place. No one really gets my load, or understands it. So why should I choose it? Contentment is light and simple. I just wait and trust God. I just follow and know he has plans to prosper me in ways that He chooses. Beautiful ways that I may not have even thought of. I am the kid waiting for Christmas. I hope. I anticipate. But not for my list. For HIS.
He loves me. That is enough. It will be enough. It has to be enough. Resting in his love is the place I long to be. I've been at the other place.

And just as meditating on God's Word is not just 'an option' during labor...it is not just 'an option' for each day either. Not for my wandering soul. I am desperate for His voice, His balm of healing, His assurance that I can rest and trust in him. Desperate. Without His Words my default is a fast downward spiral into gloom. Really.

He gives life, and life abundant,
in more ways than you think.
In more ways than you know.

I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay,
and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God:
many shall see it, and fear , and shall trust in the LORD.
Blessed is that man that maketh the LORD his trust.Ps 40: 1-3

I choose life. Whatever that looks like, whatever way He decides to dole it out. I choose to make the Lord my trust. And you?

June Happenings

2011-06-30T09:28:00.003-04:00

June has been for walking, camping, and being outside.
There's ballet lessons for girls: what a good arrangement this is!
It's been about getting new books and selling old ones; online, at the big sale, and at small sales.

We have two teens an hour away in the big city doing summer missionary training all week. Then they will do 5 day clubs and fairs all summer.
I saw our eldest go off to live with our 2nd eldest, who lives 18 hours away.
I am happy for him, as Michigan is the very worst state to live in as far a jobs, and I know the fresh air in Denver will be good for him and it will be good for the big kids to be close again.

I have read books and painted, de-cluttered.

I have been blessed by two visits from my friend from Idaho. Once just her, and once with her husband and 12 adopted children. She tells me that it is my turn to go there next summer. Sounds lovely; but only doable if the gas prices go way down. We will see.

I have several ladies coming for pre-natals each month, due in the fall. That is always sweet in prayer and amazing when we hear that heartbeat, and feel that baby's position.

I've been enjoying wonderful fellowship via blogging. In particular, I am learning about Poetic Knowledge and it is right along Charlotte Mason's way of thinking. It is awesome and freeing to let the children learn and grow in an atmosphere of wonder. Sometimes we have to intentionally re-think the vision. We are refreshed and re-inspired in this process.

Pictures from their second class. I am putting these in small photo albums for each to keep.

I had a few impromptu yard sales that were very worthwhile! How nice to de-clutter and make money. How cool is it for me to hand my husband money for a change!

David, our 2 1/2 year old got on his 'potty train' (lol! this is what he calls it). It only took a week and he stays dry and takes care of his business just fine. He even wakes up from nap and bedtime dry! Yay. This had to be the easiest one of 13! And it's the first time we haven't bought diapers in 25 years. How funny is that?

I took two boys to a yard sale last week and for a little plastic motorbike for David, scooter for Lydia, and then Jeremy spotted a Scrabble game. I had my doubts that it had all the pieces, but I gave him the dollar and he bought it. This ended up being a heaven send. It had all the pieces, and Jeremy is the one with big spelling frustrations. He asks some of us to play with him every night and how great is that? We love the game and it is school!! Shhhh. Don't tell him!

It's been pleasant outside, and our 'double dug' garden is doing really well.
Here is a before and after picture of it.

God's in the small stuff...and the big too. (I saved the best thing for last.)

I say that because the very best thing that has happened is that God Showed Up where I needed him. He heard me as I was struggle with things awhile ago, he listened to my heart, (which really was quite a mess!) he saw my pain...and he miraculously transformed me! I have set aside my desires, my unfulfilled plans, my grief for past struggles...and set them at the feet of Christ. In trade, he has transformed me. He did this. It was through no effort of my own. Seriously, how can a person who is in such turmoil find peace and contentment in letting it all go? He still does miracles!!

I excitedly await His plans, and His ways for me. I know they will be perfect, because His love for me is perfect. The burden was heavy and now it is gone. I am a new person. I no longer look at what I don't have. I simply delight to look to His face. It is a quiet place of rest, a content and humble one. Have you watched It's a Wonderful Life? Well, that is what I experienced.

Thanks for listening to me 'get my words out'. I would love to hear about your life, and what God is doing in it.

Summer is...

2011-06-23T09:42:00.001-04:00

Summer is bug bites and sunburns and
Sand.... getting in beach bags, on carpets, and van.

Baptisms, picnics, yard sales and weddings,
Sunsets and sprinklers, relaxing and reading.

Little girls' hands full of weeds; a delight!
Short stemmed bouquets; free, abundant, and bright!

Summer is waking to bird sound and fan
Screens to catch breezes that air out the land.

Corn cobs in butter and strawberry treats
Bottles of water to counter the heat.

Summer means camping, and going to fairs
Fruits and fresh produce at market 'plein air'.

Toddler boys 'training' in thick padded shorts
Bigger boys hiding; 'commanding their forts'.

Laundry that's flapping in long lines of color
Aired out and brightened by somebody's mother.

Summer brings puddles; bare feet and toy boats,
Warm days for walking and large ice cream floats.

Gardens that grow right before eyes that watch them!
Lightning bugs glowing and jars that can catch them!

Bonfires at night and there's smores to eat later.
Crickets that chirp and ponds that we wade in.

Summer goes fast. You must savor it's days
Go out with the children, mom. Go out and play!

Sisterhood as it should be.

2011-06-20T09:06:00.003-04:00

Something I'm working on to paint later. It's from a picture Holly took on her camera. Holly is the taller one in the pic. She's 13 and Jenna is 9.

Ok, here it is tweaked and ready for watercolor.

Of Garlands of Grace and Crowns of Beauty

2011-06-18T22:42:00.001-04:00

I read this in my devotions today.

"She will place on your head a garland of grace;

present you with a crown of beauty."

Proverbs 4:9 NASB

I want this!!!

'She' will do this lovely thing for me when I:

"exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour,

when thou dost embrace her."

Proverbs 4:8

So, who is she?

'She' is wisdom. You could say, Her sister is understanding.

"Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom....

and with all thy getting get understanding."

Proverbs 4:7

How do I get wisdom?

How do I exalt and embrace her?

How do I find understanding?

How do I make these 'the chief things'?

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."

Proverbs 9:10

So, if I understand correctly,

God is saying that I must get and exalt and embrace.....HIM!

I must FEAR HIM.

This is the beginning of Wisdom.

Then, I am set right.

When He is in His proper place in my life,

he will be embraced above all else.

FIRST PLACE.

Sophie Gengembre Anderson 1823-1903

"She will place on [my] head a garland of grace;

present [me] with a crown of beauty."

This is awesome!

I am so ready for this grace garland.

I am tired of me.

I am ready for others to see Christ.

Are you with me?

Rags to Riches: part two

2011-06-17T17:27:00.001-04:00

A bib, 3 church sachets, a Bible cover, an apron....
The sewing bug has not left me. Stay tuned for part three!

to go to part one click here.

Rags to Riches: part one

2011-06-16T17:22:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the sewing mood hits. There are thrift and yale sale fabrics, and outgrown clothing, and sometimes I buy a skirt for a couple dollars or less; just for the fabric. To cut up.
Then I go crazy and make stuff. Girls activity sachets for church. A bandana....
Now I am thinking of some wall art, or a bag.
What about you? Do you make new stuff from old also?Click here for part two!

Going on an anniversary outing!

2011-06-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

Got sun?

2011-06-07T16:32:00.001-04:00

Just add some kids....

water toys....

and a kiddie pool....

and hey; we're good!

Grace Notes: June begins!

2011-06-02T22:45:00.000-04:00

We urge you brethren

to excel still more

and make it your ambition

to lead a quiet life,

attend to your own business,

and work with your own hands...

so you may behave properly toward others.

1Thes. 4:10 b

(Something I'm trying to memorize)

(above image is a painting I did yesterday)

More is caught than taught

2011-05-28T10:18:00.001-04:00

She comes up to me with an embarrassed smile.
A little nervous.

"Can I say John 3:16 to you?" she whispers toward my ear.

(Her sister's been learning verses for summer missionary training.
I guess Lydia's been listening.)

She cozies right close to me, squirming as she strains to remember it all.
She is just five.

"For God so loved the world.
That He gave his only forgotten son.
And whoever believes in him, shall not perish,
but have etern-ed life. John 3:16.

My heart melts again.

Grace notes...

2011-05-20T09:34:00.001-04:00

Be anxious for nothing ( I will not worry, I will not stress, it magnifies itself and overtakes),
but in everything (about anything. Small things or large, unknown things ahead, concerns and needs)
by prayer and supplication (instead I will get on my knees and pray and seek God for each thing)
with thanksgiving (and count blessings, and see gifts He has generously bestowed.)
let your requests be made known to God. (He is the one who I go to. He is my help, my strength.)
and the peace of God, (yes, peace. A calmness and grace that fills me, and takes away fear.)
which surpasses all comprehension, (true, it passes all understanding. It transforms me.)
will guard your hearts (Your peace guards my heart from the darts of the enemy.)
and your minds (it casts out every thought that is not wanted. My mind is clear, thoughts purified.)
in Christ Jesus. (Only in Christ. No man can know and transform the hidden things in me.)
Ph. 4:6-7

Narcissus by the corner fence

Grace Notes

2011-05-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

"I love You, O Lord, my strength."
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My sheild and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies. Ps. 18:1-2

I have used this verse so many times while in labor, and read it to women in labor I was midwifing for. It contains so many strong names of God for us to cling to. Between contractions I would whisper 'can you read my verses?" and Tom would minister to me as we readied for the long awaited gift to be born into his hands in our peaceful bedroom. It was awesome.

Apple blossoms from our two trees.

God is awesome, that His words can transform, counsel, heal, gently rebuke, and speak uniquely to things only He can understand.

Painted this one of Seth, who is now a handsome 16 year old

Grace Notes

2011-05-17T08:32:00.003-04:00

Grace notes are brief posts about glimpses of God in my days. I will be doing them often to help me 'keep my eyes on Jesus'. May it become a habit to 'look up' and to be a 'noticer' of God's daily blessings in my days. They are certainly too many to count, and I am certainly blessed.

And blessed be His glorious name forever;

And may the whole earth be filled with His glory.

Ps. 72:19

I........

2011-05-10T19:56:00.001-04:00

Ok, you gotta do this with me. Tag, your it! I mean it. If you don't play I am seriously contemplating taking a few months of blogging. I need to hear from you all. Without you I am just talking to myself!

i am: Pam. Pamela O'dette to be more precise.
i know: a bit about large families, and homeschooling and delivering babies..
i want: to be a good listener, a godly woman, gracious and joy filled
i have: a secret prayer that no one knows about
i hate: when siblings are unkind to each other, when families are torn apart, anger, bitterness

i miss: the days when all the kids were little and our hopes were so big
i fear: God.
i feel: a light spring breeze and I like it
i hear: yard work, brother doing dishes with littler brother, girls chattering in the yard, birds
i smell: the baked beans I am preparing for the upcoming open house
i crave: cuddle time with my husband
.
i search: the internet for large family blogsites, healthy stuff, good books, good ideas, recipes
i regret: my words sometimes. I need to fill my mind with God's word often.
i love: having many children, pregnancy, homebirth, homeschooling, my best friend, Tom, Jesus.
i care: about children who are suffering. A lot.
i always: pray in the night when I can't sleep, which is often
i believe:that God can transform a life. that he does daily miracles. I am one example.
i dance: and the kids come and join me. the little girls love to twirl.
i sing: hymns and praise songs. in the car, in the morning for devotions, in church.

i don’t always: feel very good about myself. my esteem is delicate.
i truly desire: that God would be first and foremost in my life
i like: blogging, homeschooling, drawing, painting, reading aloud, walking, music, movie nights...
i write: from the heart. sometimes i say too much.
i lose: when i compare myself to others.

i win:....hardly ever!
i try: artistic things.
i never: bowled or skied, or went out of the US, or had twins, or broke a bone or ate caviar.
i am grateful: that Tom found me and married me.
i listen: to wise godly people and am inspired
i am scared: of getting old. well, kinda scared but mostly upset about it.
i need: people to listen to me. people to pray for me. people to forgive me.
i am happy about: our garden. spring. friends who are prego. my camera. school break coming. our anniversary coming up. losing weight. krista coming to visit soon. meditating on Scripture.

i tag: anyone who wants to do this...I'd love to hear from ya'll.

Happy Mother's Day....

2011-05-08T14:11:00.001-04:00

To all of us who are mothers,

and those who have experienced motherhood, even briefly through loss.

To those of you who showed the selfless love of giving up,

so that someone else could experience the the blessing of being a mom through adoption.

To all those spiritual mothers out there, which are truly a gift to us.

To those who have lost a mother, and to those who aspire to be mother.

We praise You God.

Thank You God

for letting me be a mom.

A mom of many children.

(Thirteen children, plus two in heaven.)

I am so blessed.

It is such an honor of which I am unworthy.

Lord, I thank you for the amazing husband that you sent to me.

It makes it possible for us to do this as a team.

And a cord of three strands is not easily broken.

Just one thing....

2011-05-06T08:57:00.001-04:00

Haven't been sleeping well lately.
You know how it is when the 'world just comes in'?
Well I lay in bed the other night praying and asking God for help.
"What is missing, God?"
I am just spent lately; but not so much physically. I've cut back many things.
It's my thoughts that are whirling around in a craze. Yes, it is in my thought life.
My reactions that are not so great. My attitude. My countenance.
(I don't use the word 'sucky'....but if I did it would convey it well!)

God is so faithful and ready to help!
He showed me what I need.
His Word.
And I do read it everyday, but that's obviously not enough for me.
So I am going back to memorizing and meditating on the Word. All throughout the day.
It is the one thing that will:

*change my attitude
*cleanse my heart
*clear my thoughts
*keep my focus on Christ
*help me become a godly wife and help meet
*curb my fleshly tendancies toward self
*keep me humble
*keep me filled with something beautiful to offer to others
*pull me out of the tendency to react wrongly
*keep me from stress, worry and fear
*remind me of Who I belong to and Whom I am living my life for
*convict me of sin
*lift and transform my constant thoughts
*prepare me for difficulties

I soooo need this. It is the water that I thirst for.
Without God's Word I walk about as a famished person who has nothing to give.
It is sweet.
It is my hope.
It is a chance to hear God's thoughts to me.
It's just one thing,
but it will change everything and I can't believe I have let it go for so long.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude. Love is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...."

Won't you join me, or share what you are memorizing?
Or might you add some ways that God's Word ministers to your weary soul?

Prayers

2011-04-29T13:44:00.000-04:00

Please pray for this blogger, and all those who lived in the tornado areas.http://www.generationcedar.com/main/2011/04/god-is-mighty-to-save-all-is-not-lost.html

I will be taking a rest from blogging for awhile. Please know that I think and pray for you often.

Can Easter be about Jesus; period?

2011-04-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

I am so glad Jesus rose from the dead to give me hope.
I just can't add anything to all he went through and all he has done for me.
It just doesn't work in my mind to say "It's Easter and Jesus died and rose from the grave....plus we get to eat candy and find eggs the easter bunny brought and have gifts from Meijer."
I just can't put my arms around this stuff. It's just not for us.
I just can't fathom taking away from this amazing feat, nor can I add myself in.
Judge me if you may.

Mary Magdelene after seeing Jesus alive

We've just visited grampa in the hospital.
Stroke, they think. After seeing him I have a few more blessings to count:

542 being home and not in a hospital
543 caring for myself
544 a clear mind
545 clear lungs
546 speech that people can understand
547 to hear
548 being able to let go of bitterness
549 salvation; hope
550 my own bed
551 to feed myself
552 to use the bathroom myself; to shower, to brush my hair
553 to use my hands; to walk
554 my own clothing to wear
555 windows to look out as I please
556 no monitors, tubes, pokes
557 quietness and privacy
558 to do things that need to be done, or that I want to do
559 health
560 being able to communicate my heart, and hear someone else's

.......... that Jesus died for me and rose again, gives me life and hope, forgives and meets my needs, answers prayer, and is always near me, guides, teaches and comforts, that's it's not too late for grampa to know Him, that miracles do happen, that our bodies are changed in heaven, that our tears are wiped away and we let go of all the hurt, that the enemy cannot take away from what Jesus has done....
and one could go on and on.

Journal Girl

2011-04-17T16:33:00.002-04:00

I have to confess something. I'm addicted to journals. Journals for devotions, for daily entries, for counting blessings, for sketching, for studying my family, for nature....

and while I'm confessing,
I'll mention that I randomly draw everywhere and anytime I can. Ok, so I'm also addicted to drawing.
Even in the church bulletin.

Yes, during the sermon with kids bumping me and with an un-erasable pen.

My pictures mingle with scribble marks of the two and five year old. They are quick; because I am usually capturing a moving object; most often a person but sometimes a bird on the feeder. They are on a napkins, easels, in math books, on post it notes and sidewalks.

church bulletin

There. I feel better that you know that. At my funeral, please collect up my scribbles and remember me. In fact, go ahead and scribble on my tombstone, if I have one. Love ya!

nature journal

study my family journal

daily planning journal

thankful journal

sketch journal (old one)

kid's easel

Do you like journals?
Wouldn't it be fun to go to a completed journal event and see what everyone else is doing?

Counting Blessings; Discounting Burdens

2011-04-14T10:31:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm trying. It's a work in progress!
(I'm a work in progress!)

Here's my list:
The weather is nice, the wood for the stove just ran out
The winter stuff is mostly put up
We are healthy, warm, safe
We have clean air to breathe, clean drinking water, food to eat
We have clothes; someone blessed us with nearly new clothes, many bags! It was like Christmas!
Our cars are running, as are the appliances
School is going smoothly
I have a friend who will be flying from Idaho to here, and taking me to lunch on Saturday!
The birds are singing and plants bud and bloom
I've ordered a few books, have a rough plan for next year's school
Tom has a job as do the 5 oldest kids
I get to paint and draw and take pictures.
I do not have to work, but get to stay home
My daughter who lives near Denver is coming for the open house in May for 5 days
Two of the kids are doing summer missionary work
We have been given a week's time in a cabin for free this month, and it's on a bay
I have lost 3 inches on my waist, and 10 pounds since Christmas from the Wii fit and healthy eating!
Our budget has helped us pay taxes, bills, fix vehicle, etc. Love our budget!
We have a great church family, a quiet neighborhood, and caring friends and family
Though my car died, it sold on Craig's list for 4 times what we expected
With the car money we got tires and brakes for the van and paid all dental bills!
This computer works
We do not live in a war zone, gang territory, or disaster area
We are not poor, but able to support a child who is
I am not going through the empty nest syndrome that most of my peers probably are
I have had the great honor of 13 natural and healthy births, and only two additional losses
We are blessed to have most our babies for free at home, Tom delivering
We legally homeschool in this state
I get to midwife for 3 or 4 ladies this fall
Our debt has gone done to half of what it was 5 years ago.
I have sold many books on this site, and hope to sell more at a local June homeschool sale
Consigning brings in a small amount each month also
My husband gets to be home most of the time unless he's working
We hardly ever have attitude problems in this house, though we have 12 people/ 4 teens living here
Seth is turning 16 end of April (wants a special party)
Luke is turning 18 in May (needs money)
I have been married for 22 years in June and we are still deeply in love and best friends
Though all my grandparents died 13 years ago or more, I still have a mom, dad, sister and brother

Luke has a graduation with a homeschool class, 3 proms, and the birthday
I have an open house to do in May (this makes me crazy)
His senior album is 1/2 done. Senior pics done. School work nearly done.
Food, cleaning, tables, invites, preparation for open house??? (Not done. not even thought of yet.)
Big kids are doing well, (but this mom's heart always thinks of them, and always misses them.)
We are seeking God and trying to follow him and put him first
We walk in hope of heaven and try to cherish our days on earth, however short they are
Our minds are clear and we laugh a bit every day
I have peace in my heart, and a clear conscience
We know the power of prayer and have a living Savior!

had to add these cute pics of our 8th and youngest son, David

Funny how when I list it all out like that, I feel almost shamefully blessed. I so easily digress from blessing to burden. Lord, help me constantly see my richness!

Draw Everyday

2011-04-02T16:10:00.002-04:00

Draw Everyday, a set on Flickr.

See what I'm drawing each day. Look over to the sidebar on the right for the day's drawing.

Of things we collect

2011-04-01T20:59:00.001-04:00

Here are the everyday mugs. Best to have with little children all around.

The ones below are for special times.

(Though they are just oddballs that I picked up for a dollar or so each).

I like to collect quotes in my daily journal.

If I hear something cool I make a note of it on a piece of paper and pin it to my catch all bulletin board.

Also, we have quite a few good hymnals that we use for devotion time.

Non matching ones,

so we have to yell out "Abide in Me", page 26 in the green book!

The kitchen has it's upper shelves that baskets easily fill,

and the spices are just nice to get to know and to make the everyday dishes more wonderful.

Just yard sale finds!

Dollar store seasoning are 50 cents for a nice size container.

It is fun to get to know the flavors and uses of these interesting seasonings.

We get free magazines at the local libraries and the girls and I cut out! They glue theirs in their scrap books, and I glue mine in my thankful book. Food ideas get put up bulletin board for motivation!

Of course we have quite a fun time finding good books. With so many readers in the house, and because we use living books for our schooling, we do have a large book collection. I do try to weed out and sell to make up for the ones I will buy. And I try to stay in the budget we have allotted.

Many gifts are homemade around here.

We use what we have.

I collect art ideas that I find online and put them in the blue Art book above, in page protectors.

We drink dark teas around here, like the English with cream and sugar.

We all like it, so a pot is always brewing.

One dark packet makes a whole pot, by the way.

Many things we find outside become collections!

I guess I am a practical gal.

I also like to keep it simple, and when things get cluttered it's time to purge.

If you've done a post on a particular collection, let me know and I'll link to it.

Otherwise, comment below and share about things you have collected.

And if you have any ideas,

I'm trying to find something interesting to go on some high shelves in our livingroom.

Maybe artsy or in a cottage style. Any thoughts?

Nettie B. Cowman, a quiet hero of mine

2011-03-30T20:09:00.000-04:00

I just had to share what I read in today's devotional.

I love to read out of Mrs. Charles E. Cowman's books,

and I am currently re-enjoying her Springs in the Valley page 111.

Here is a nice big peak:

"We are profoundly impressed with the unlimited resources of the God of the Bible. He never does anything small. When He makes an ocean He makes it so deep that no man can fathom it. When He makes a mountain he makes it so large that no one can measure of weigh it. When He makes flowers, He scatters multiplied millions of them where there is no one to admire them but Himself. He He makes grace, He makes it without sides of bottom and leaves the top off. Instead of giving salvation with a medicine dropper, He pours it forth like a river.

When God sets out to do a thing for us, He does it with a prodigality of love-prompted abundance that fairly staggers one who reckons things by the coldly calculating standards of earth.

Whatever blessing is in our cup it is sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf; the robe is always the best robe; the joy is unspeakable; the peace passeth understanding; the grace is so abundant that the recipient has all-sufficiency for all things, and abounds to every good work." Lettie B. Cowman

Lettie Cowman is a quiet inspiration to me. She was a missionary pioneer, writer, and Christian teacher. Five years into their marriage, she and Charles began serving in Japan. For 16 years or more, they worked together in a remarkable evangelistic campaign. Charles was an inspiring leader; but overwhelmed with the evangelistic success of his mission, her worked himself into a complete physical collapse. He and Lettie returned to the USA, where Lettie stood by her husband's side for six years until he died. In a letter to a friend she wrote,

“After getting coffee and early breakfast for Charles, I gathered poems and quotations to encourage his heart and mine. Later, I sent them forth to bless our missionary friends around the world. I called the book Streams in the Desert.”

Aren't we encouraged by her simple way of serving and seeking God? I have begun adding scriptures and quotations to my large Thankful Scrapbook. Like Lettie, I need this type of collection of eternal words to keep my focus strong. Who can't benefit from such daily notes?

We certainly benefit from hers. And who knows?

Maybe one day someone else may be encouraged in finding ours!

Then and Now

2011-03-27T22:35:00.004-04:00

My mom used to use big words when I was growing up.

She also used very proper grammar.

She was the only mom I knew who answered the phone the right way:

"This is she".

What's kind of funny is that my dad did not worry about proper grammar!

He came from the gang filled streets of Detroit.

(I'm guessing that the talk is a bit different there.)

There were a few times my brother Brook and my sister Tiffani and I

had no clue what mom was talking about!

Well, maybe I should only speak for myself.

But I'll tell you one thing. I aced my exams.

I could hear my mom's voice in my head, guiding me.

On some Saturdays,

our girls walk around here with socks knotted on their heads.

In the morning, wah la! Curls that stay for a day!

My sister and I had the same 'sock heads'.

We bopped around and then slept on these nice soft curlers,

knowing that by morning we would be transformed into curly tops.
With our hair all fancied up, we received quite a few compliments.
Those were affirming voices.

Games.
We played a few games growing up.
But one long winter my sister and I played rummy on a fold up card table upstairs.
Fact is, that's one of the few memories I have of the two of us doing something alone together.

As I grew up, our family grew more and more distant from each other.
A void began to grow within me.
A loss.
A longing to have a close bond to sister, brother, parents.
I looked around me.

I often stayed at my friend's homes, overnight.

I was sometimes quite nervous when my friend's dad came home late,
drunk, and stumbling around.

I knew the scared look in her eyes, the worry on her face.

I noticed other friend's moms who didn't have much money

for food, a prom dress, or decent shoes for their kids.

I looked around and observed.

I listened to the voices all around me.

In my growing up home, we went to bed around 8 o'clock.

I had top bunk and hung down to talk to my brother til I got older.

Then I hung down to talk to my sister.

Then we got our own room and I guess that ended the talking.

After all, we had our friends to talk to.

It seems as though friends are more important than family.

That's the voice I was hearing. That's the voice I believed.

Around here, one little boy gets sent to bed

he goes up and hides in older sissy's bed to wait under the covers,

til dad and momma come up to kiss them.

It's pretty adorable.

Nearly all share rooms, willingly. And not just with one sibling!
They talk and talk. We are ok with that.

It is a sweet bond in the making.

It was nice growing up in a home where my parents were still together.

My parents were very generous and kind to us kids.

It was nice to have beds and nice clothes, and food to eat everyday.

To live in the country.

To go on a couple really fun camping trips. I'm sure that wasn't easy.

I often listened as my parents and their older friends talked over coffee.

I gleaned much from these conversations.

For this I am truly thankful.

I think a girl learns more valuable things
from being with older adults than she does from girls her own age.

In my case, the peers won out.

After all, I spent countless more hours with them in school than with anyone else.

Their voices ruled.

My husband came from a dis-functional home.
He was often locked outside by his stepfather, all day.
His stepfather crossed boundaries that should never be crossed with step daughters.
My husband and his siblings got sent to foster homes for a year because of that man.
The people he got didn't like him; but he came with the little sister, that they did want.
He was just part of the package, he often says.

One time I asked him what his family did at Christmas.
He said that he usually looked through catalogs and circled the things he wanted.
"Oh, then you got those things?" I asked.
"No! But that's ok. It was fun lookin at em'."
He had begun to choose what voice would rule him back then.

When I ask him what his hopes and dreams are now,
he always says the same thing.
"I have everything I always wanted.
My dreams have come true. I have you and the children.
I am a rich man."

We grow up surrounded by voices, don't we?
Good, uplifting ones. Negative, hurtful ones.
Sometimes the good voices are few and far between.

The voices that help make us into who we are
come from parents, siblings, neighbors, teachers, and friends.
They even come from parents of friends, from acquaintances, and from strangers.

Some of us play the hurtful voices over and over in our minds.
We lose our confidence, we hide, we become bitter, angry or depressed.
An emptiness grows within us.

But there are a few who rise up, and choose to walk to a different beat.
My husband did this.
It is amazing when a person can rise up into unknown territory,
and shine.
When a person can choose to play the good and lovely voices,
and forgive the rest.
And did you know that when a person chooses thankfulness,
he finds healing?
It is something to behold in a person to see that.
It's nothing short of a miracle.

I have seen this in only a handful of people, and I see it daily in my husband.
And now, by God's grace,
I am noticing that I too am capable of choosing to hear the love song.
To hear it, to seek it, and to make note of it, all the time, everyday.
God's voice is changing me.
His song of truth and beauty is tuning out the chant of the enemy.

I was laying in my big bed with our two year old a few days ago, resting with him.

He kept looking up at the picture on our wall.

It is a painting I did of my husband and I on our wedding day.

"Dat's you and daddy, kissing!", he blushes and smiles.
"Your getting mawried!"
then....

"Wus it say, momma? Wus it say?"

I said, "It says 'You are my knight in shining armour.'

"Shiny armour?"
He asks this, holding my face with both hands;
looking intently at my mouth as I repeat it several times.

"Am I your 'shiny armour too, like daddy?"

"Yes! You are too!"
These are the good voices. For both of us.

Then and now. Not so much different, really.

Cuz we're not perfect people,
and we live amongst 'not perfect people'.

We're stumbling around, trying to do our best.

And that's why it may be good for all of us
to learn how to give and receive grace.

It is a sure thing that the choices we make will affect our daily lives, and those around us.

Our 'life song' is more far reaching than we know.

Have you really thought about that?

I am.

Wishes and Dreams are Free You Know...

2011-03-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

And counting blessings;

that's free too!

Sibling closeness.

Funny math positions.

Happy smiles.

A buddy everywhere.

Teenagers without attitudes.

Sprighty, bouncy, questioning five year olds.

Close snugglies.

Matching coats.

Groovy hats.

First walk to the pond after a long winter.

Girls with sunshine shadows on their faces.

Boys in contemplative thought.

Domestic Tranquility!

2011-03-14T14:09:00.003-04:00

I feel it is a blessing and privilege to be a stay at home mom.

I don't take it lightly, but embrace it with my whole heart!

My home keeping days are filled to the brim, but with good and lovely things:

Children everywhere to grab and hug.

A small palm that brings Florida to our snowy Michigan!

Bird charts by the kitchen window.

Daily soup.

Girls at work with sunshine beaming down.

Boys and girls doing work cheerfully.

Simple ways to stay active and healthy.

We girls are learning some yoga moves..

Closeness in siblings. Our motto "Family before friends."

School always going on..

Funny math positions.

Making next year's plans...

Time periods to make it memorable.

Projects to make it fun.

Girls who turned five, but were new babes just yesterday.

Sibling love.

Hats. All over. All kinds.

Sketching when I can.

Also watercolors and pastel,

of our graduate, Luke!

Piles of drawings.

Made with tenderest care, for gifts to those around them.

Foods and learning and walks and chores.

Devotions and song, and movie nights and read-alouds.

Card games and visitors, and mail and sitting by the woodstove.

Our grateful book, and moving furniture, and taking showers, and doing laundry.

Big kids calling, and prayer lists, and getting ready for church.

Tucking in and rising up, and brushing teeth, and pushing snow around.

Dolls and legos and play foods and hide and seek.

Toast, and oats, and sometimes treats.

Walks and talks with my beloved; all the time, and cherished.

Two little girls who asked Jesus into their hearts when I came in to kiss them goodnight,

Teen prayers and baby lisping prayers and prayers around the meal table.

Lots of work to do together.

Lots of fun to share together.

Clutter and toys abounding, messy cupboards and messy faces too...

And I just wonder sometimes..

Will my heart burst with joy?

Can my calling be more amazing?

Hope is the thing with feathers...

2011-03-08T08:43:00.004-05:00

(Jozef Israels)

It's been some months now, that I've been really struggling along in life. Not really depressed, but just not really living, you know? I was in some kind of wilderness with clouds hovering. It's been a time of searching and a time of uncertainty. I lacked purpose. During that time, God gave me a promise and I've held onto it wondering how in the world He was going to fulfill it. It's this:

"Behold, I will do a new thing;
now it shall spring forth;
shall ye not know it?
I will even make a way in the wilderness,
and rivers in the desert."
Is. 43:19

That sounded so, so good to me. A new thing!! What is it God? I thought of this and that; but really couldn't imagine. And shall I not know it? Ok, it will be very clear. That is good cuz I am slow! And to know He would make a way in the wilderness; MY wilderness....rivers in the desert...MY desert! I was ready.

Now things didn't really start going better in many ways; but I had hope. Having hope is everything, isn't it?

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

I've been clinging to that hope, and re-reading that verse from Isaiah often...waiting. I know that God honors his promises in His time. I know He also does some good things in the wilderness seasons. So I waited.

Well when my niece, Aimee suggested I read One Thousand Gifts, I wasn't sure. See, I'm not the girl who wants to do something just cuz everyone else is doing it. I've always paved my own way; the hard way! After all, I became a midwife, wore a head covering for 6 years, home birth, home school....(not the normal!).

But I had to admit, there was a change in her and I wanted that. I know her, and what I saw was God's hand in her life. She was touched by God. That is a miracle; to be transformed by God, and I wanted in.

So I got the book, and am reading it with a friend. We read it together and she emails summaries, and I put my notes under. I am undone with changes and miracles that God is doing. Please read the book. There is medicine in it for everyone who is not well. God is in that book.

God put it on my heart to buy a few more copies and share this with them. I gave one out yesterday and it was awesome. To be about God's business, to see smiles on people who've long been depressed, hope for people who were at their end. And I got to be part of that! Just a tiny part...but so exciting!

(Jozef Israels)

I know many of you are reading it, and know all about it already. That's why I hesitated to post on it. But maybe there's one of you that is in that wilderness thirsting for water, rivers of water that never end. Maybe you are ready for a new thing. A thing that exchanges dreariness for joy and bitterness for gratitude, and fear and anxiety for calmness and peace. A work deep in the heart, a small habit with huge rewards. Do you want that? Are you ready for some change? Up to a miracle? Meet God in that book, and in His Word, and on your knees... and let me know what happens! I can't wait to hear from you!

Thriving in the Domestic Life

2011-03-03T14:15:00.000-05:00

Ah, the joy of staying home.

The sweet freedom of decorating, preparing meals, and doing little projects with family to our hearts content!

I have this friend....I don't have all the visitors that my friend Gayle has....she is the ultimate lady of hospitality. She makes the coolest concoctions fresh from the oven. She uses the latest equipment: a rice cooker, and pressure cooker for fast but super delicious meals that taste like they've slow cooked all day. She has gadgets that I can't even identify. (Now wouldn't that be a fun thing to collect! Kitchen gadgets!)

When you arrive in her home, you are served English tea poured from an antique tea cozy lined with sheep's wool to keep the tea pot hot. She has teas like Lady Grey; black tea scented with oil of bergamot, lemon peel and orange peel.

And Lady Londonderry tea: black tea with hints of strawberry and lemon. Said to be Princess Di's fave! (Now you know one puts milk and sugar in these teas, of course.)
Your cup is bottomless! It just keeps refilling with a new tea to try! The furniture is arranged for conversation. (I had to ask her to come and help me with this. We have an open and large livingroom and so many bodies sitting in it. So how to make it cozy for conversation for two or three, I wondered. I mean, I don't want to yell across the room to my guest! So Gayle came over and moved my furniture here and there to make it suitable for both purposes! One larger area and then a few choices of small cozy nooks. It fits the need quite nicely, thank you!) Her decor is unique and stylish, with homemade touches everywhere. Yet not something any other keeper of the home could creatively put together; not unaffordable, not un-usable. I am not intimidated, but inspired when I visit. We share, but there is no gossip or pretense. It's refreshing.

I remember reading a story of a young married couple moving out to the prairie, with hopes of building a home. For the time being, however, it was necessary to live for several years in a dug out. After fretting through the first few years, and 'having her heart in a suitcase',(I've been there!) she found that it was needed for them to remain in the dugout for one more year. Her heart didn't change until she accepted God's provision for her, and stumbled onto the gem of contentment. Now she could sweep the dirt floors and take out a few homey things from the boxes. Now it would be home. Anyplace can become home, can't it?

The domestic life; the keeper at home's joy seems to involve 3 or 4 things.

There is the spirit of the home. Each home has it's own atmosphere. It is for us women to set the tune of our homes. Is there joy, kindness, peacefulness? Do you feel loved, welcomed? Is it a place of fellowship? Is there a grace put forth? Can one meet God in your home?
People are the focus. Not surroundings, not perfectly cleaned floors. Does one even notice the things that are unkept when sweet fellowship is taking place? Does one mind brushing off a chair, if two or three friends are reaching out to each other?
Comfort is nice. Not a requirement, but it lengthens the visit. Is it cold? Have a few blankets out. It is warm? Offer some ice water. Are the children running wild? Figure out a quiet game, or activity for them. Might your visitor be struggling with something? No one feels more love than when you pray out loud for them.
Food and/or drink. Even crackers or bread and jam can be laid out in a pretty way. A bowl of whatever you have: pretzels, popcorn, fruit. Just sit it there. It will slowly disappear as the time passes!

Here is a gift from my daughter, Krista. Oh my goodness do they taste and smell wonderful!

I am in no way a great woman of hospitality. My home is so full already. I am not in a season of life that makes it easy to have people over all the time. But people do come. I have ladies here for prenatals. Someone from church dropping off extra food from an event. Friends who drop off a book, or pick up a few children. Why not be ready?
Yet even if visitors are few and far between right now, home is home. Why not embrace it? Do you know it was once considered 'an hidden art' to tend to the home and family? I say, let's get back to that. It can start with making it special for those who live within it's walls. A little embellishment on the casserole, anyone? Some veggies cut up pretty and laid out, perhaps? My niece, Aimee did it! Is that sweet or what? We are on our own ladies. There are very few older ladies to teach us the art of homemaking.

Where I am now: Well, I have many live in 'guests' to practice and perfect my latest dishes on! (my children!) And though there are some who don't adore homemade soups or salsa, there are at least two in the home who know it's rich blessing! (My husband and I! And it lasts all the longer when they should choose the alternative...peanut butter sandwich anyone?) And aren't fabrics the sweetest when found for pennies at the thrift store or remnant rack? Then it's like a secret! And shelves can be made with pieces of wood you find in your husbands garage (just ask first!).

And how hard is it to find a sweet container for things. Little baskets for books. A plant or a bunch of flowers in a vase; even if they aren't real!

After all, creating and improvising is half the fun! Yes, we focus on the people. But let's take this domestic calling seriously! Let's really thrive in it!

Think small. Small touches, kind voices, the healing of a hug. It's ok if it's not super clean all the time. It's lived in, right? That why it's called a home and not a house.

So what do you think? Do you love being at home? Have you made it, (or little places within it) a place of quiet rest for the soul? A bit of 'sanctuary' from the storms of life? Are you fulfilled?

Might you attempt a few changes that would make your home more comfortable? Could you simplify, or change things around toward better fellowship? Should you declutter so there is not so much stuff, which, in turn creates stress and busyness? Can you practice right where you are; and 'bloom where you are planted"? Let me know!

And thank you for the visit. It was sweet.

I Wander and I Wonder

2011-02-22T17:37:00.003-05:00

A winter nature walk, without the beautiful pictures that many of you would surely have. Alas, come with me into the woods and 'see' if you can come away with your own pictures. The kind that are kept safely in one's mind. Just once, without camera and without a care, come and see; taste and see what the Lord can do.

He calls me and I felt compelled to go and meet with him. He knows I am always busy, I am always doing something needed, but He calls. Big kids are put in charge and all is well secured, and I go. I will steal away from the warmth and talk and familiar chaos in the house, and fairly fly to the outside world. I walk on the wore down path past the barn and past the wood piles; but then the footsteps are gone. What do I do? The snow is deep. The path had not been touched by any human foot this winter. I ponder within myself. Do I trudge out deeper, down the path, through thick snow, into the unknown? It is into these woods where my Love is calling me and so I go.

Drawn to the peace of it, and the awesome pure whiteness, I continue. Each step is work. I pause several times and look back. I understand why some use the ski and snowshoe. I wander and I wonder. I am inspired in every direction I look. Nature is breathtaking. I want to keep it and remember it. This beauty, this alone time, this immensely quiet, untouched peace. I rehearse it over and over in my mind. I must not forget the beauty and honest tranquility of it. I must not lose the sense of it when I return into the busyness. It is a sight to behold; I cannot lose it.

When you live in snow, you hear words that tell you what kind it is. Is it fluffy, light, heavy, deep, crusted over, wet, or powder? Is it the packing type, or dirty snow, or is it slush? Today was the heavy kind with a top crust. A rabbit has crossed the path ahead of me a day or two ago. His prints go barely one inch deep. Mine go down 6 inches, each one, and all the way down the whole of the path.

I glance left. Something has caught my eye in this silent solace. The wind has tinkled the pine branch very high up. It has trembled. The powder now sifts down through sun streaks like poofs here and then there. An unexpected thing. Who orchestrates it all? Who is it that watches this field and these woods when no one steps into them? Who finds out and keeps the secrets in these woods?

I approach the field. It is just ahead of me and I can't wait to see it. Many times it is full of deer. In warm seasons it holds daisies and butterflies. There are Earth Stars and ferns that we have watched and collected. But it's been months and no one has been to see. The field is covered with smooth snow and trees make perfectly flat shadows across it. The field is empty. There are no deer today. No tracks, no sound. But wait. The snow is hit by sunlight and specks of diamond dust glitters over the whole white surface. What if I missed that? It is fantastic. My Love has shown it to me. It is just for me. Brilliant, He is. I cannot know what I would have missed. I wish to stay and sit or lay down, but my clothes would get cold and wet. I am too practical. I would if I was a child. I would enjoy it to the full. Oh the delight of childhood. Moms, do not be too harsh if they should come in all wet or snowy or muddy. They could tell you of wonderful things if you would listen. The clothes will wash. The delight must not be quenched.

I am in deep thought. As I walk I wonder...have I interrupted a squirrel or hidden bird somewhere? The woods and field must hold many creatures. It is me who has invaded their world. Have they heard me trudging, or watched me stopping and staring at their daily wonderland. Are they curious at the way I stare?

How can I but stand in awe at My Creator? It was a thought of His to make this winter scene. The scene changes daily, and different scenes are spread throughout the world. These paintings are for us! He is the master artist. Yet, though he orchestrates; He still keeps watch, and ever listens to the creatures He has made.He notices, knows intimately, understands them all. He guides with stillest, smallest voice to those who care to hear. Are we listening. Can we see His work all around us? Do we long for Him?

I am drawn and I hear Him speak to me, though no one else could ever hear it. He knows what I ask though I say not a word aloud. He answers in the same way. I find a sudden understanding to that which I have been wondering about. I cannot attain it. It is too high for me. Too much that He calls and cares and knows ME. Too much that He reveals my heart, and ministers to me in silence. My heart bursts. It is too much that I am loved so deeply.

He has spoken in a moment; volumes. I am undone. Just as my steps were deep and heavy, so were the questions within my heart. Just as snow sparkles in a field where no one sees, a countenance can sparkle in the midst of a barren season. In the deepest places of quiet we can hear things that make us marvel. The noisy world fades just for a small time. Solace and refreshing follow that quiet place with God. It is so worth it.

Just as snow dustings are suddenly released and dispersed from the high pines to those who cross below it, so are His dustings of light grace; unexpectedly bestowed from above, liberally onto those who walk near to Him. He calls me His beloved, and I know His gentle voice. I run to Him and all is well. I am His and He is mine. It is well with my soul.
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